MAUI, Hawaii — As Coast Guard Station Maui’s 45’ Response Boat (RBM) pulls alongside the party boat Purple Pineapple, lead boarding officer Boatswains Mate 1st Class Joe Silva quickly looked around and exclaimed, “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!”

Despite multiple complaints from locals, after numerous boardings the Coast Guard has found absolutely nothing wrong with this epic party going down on the Purple Pineapple. “I mean it has nothing to do with all the topless women or that the captain always provides us with bottomless Mai Tais, or even that I’ve never tried molly before.”

Petty Officer Mike Logano said neither the ship nor the crew pose any threat to public safety “unless you count tearing up a keg of Miller Lite unsafe of course.”