F-35 Blows New Year’s Resolution, Gains $25 Billion
LANCASTER, Calif. — The F-35 is experiencing yet another setback in development after reportedly blowing its New Year’s resolution of “losing a couple billion dollars” in just the first few days of the calendar year.
Joining nearly 92% of Americans who fail to achieve their New Year’s resolution, the F-35 was reportedly found alone in a dark hangar at the far end of an Edwards Air Force Base runway gorging itself on taxpayer dollars in silent shame.
"Ever since it lost the dogfight to the 1970's era F-16, the F-35 has been really depressed," said Air Force spokesman Lt. Col. Jerry Baskin. "We have been telling the F-35 that it was because it was not wearing its 'stealth coating,' but deep down it knew it was because of its over-sized engine nozzle."
While the news comes as a shock to friends and co-workers, those close to the program are not surprised. Navy test pilot Lt. Ben Robbins, who now flies an EA-18G Growler after his F-35C gained a whopping $64 million in 2015, is not surprised at all.
"Yeah, yeah — I have heard it all before," said Robbins. "'This is the year the F-35 is going to improve its turn radius and show bullies around the world that it is worth the $1.5 trillion dollar price tag.' Whatever."
"Lockheed software developers need to upload a Waste Watchers app during the next update," he added. "This isn't 'She's All That.'"
After this most recent relapse, numerous health professional and aerospace engineers have offered their services pro bono to help the F-35 overcome it's demons. Dr. Lisa Belle, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in binge consumption, suggests radical interpersonal psychotherapy to deal with the F-35's key enablers.
"Rather than letting the F-35 fail and overcome every time it faces an obstacle or Congressional review, the Department of Defense jumps right in and comforts it with more money," Belle told Duffel Blog. "The F-35 feels as though it is only around because of some government sunk-cost fallacy and, because of the 'too big to fail' comments, now suffers from program dysmorphic disorder."
The call to action by a team of specialists is coming just in time, as the Joint Strike Fighter program is being delayed another several years. According to officials within the Pentagon, the F-35 has locked itself in its maintenance bay with $163 billion appropriated for the VA, refusing to come out unless the government pays for its surgery to make it an F-22.