Tomb Guard Wishes Asshole Photographer Would Go Away So He Could Get Out Of This Damn Storm

arlington tomb guard

ARLINGTON CEMETERY — A soldier standing guard at the Tomb of the Unknowns really wishes that asshole taking photos of him as snow and wind pummel his face would go the fuck away so he could get back inside, sources confirmed today.

“Look around. No one is here. I could walk 21 steps inside that door over there and be drinking hot cocoa,” said Pfc. Brandon Chelley, a soldier assigned to “The Old Guard” of the 3rd Infantry Regiment. “But no, he just keeps taking snapshots of me getting creamed on by the Almighty.”

Since April 6, 1948, Tomb Sentinels have stood guard for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year — regardless of weather. During inclement weather, they are allowed to stand duty from a covered enclosure known as “the box.”

Unfortunately, Chelley says ‘Dipshit The Picture Boy’ is really ruining that possibility: “Can you imagine the ass-chewing I’d get if I’m photographed off the mat?”

For now, the soldier is continuing to walk the required steps at the Tomb so that everyone on Facebook and Twitter can relieve the onset of hypothermia via likes and shares.

“I could just shoot the guy,” he told reporters. “It’s not like there isn’t a perfectly good place to stash an unidentified corpse nearby.”


Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.

15 Comments

  1. Yep. Truer words never spoken; this site is a joke. Obviously, your service did not put you in proximity to T.O.G. The tomb is off limits, 24/7. That’s the point. Noli Me Tangere! You just wouldn’t get it. Co. H, 3rd US Infantry (TOG) 1986-89.

  2. Surely those who visit this site, know it’s a satirical website ?

    Too many people read the headline and not the story.
    Trying to score points by taking the moral high ground.

    Maybe they are the ones who should come back and apologize for getting it wrong.

  3. Alright folks, there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding here. This is Duffle Blog. Duffle Blog is a satire blog written about life in the military by current and former members of each respective branch of service.
    For those who have served, you know our humor is kind of a closed club, for those who haven’t, now you know.
    This is satire, if you don’t like it and you haven’t been in the military, you just don’t get it; plus we don’t give a shit what you think about the jovial commentary we make about out own institution.
    If you have been in the military, you already know that we don’t give a shit what you say or think, likewise, we recognize the fact that you don’t give a shit what we say or think because after enough years of this crap no one really gives a shit anymore.
    I hope that clears everything up.

  4. Untwist your panties and to know about life in the Old Guard, watch “Gardens of Stone” It shows that although most soldiers are there by chance not all soldiers are cut out for life as Honor Guards. I’m sure life has changed for 1-3 Infantry as it has for all soldiers all around. Do not believe anything you read on social media about the Old Guard, read wikipedia, or the Army’s own website about the Old Guard, Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, or Arlington Cemetery. Duffel blog and bs reposts on social media are full of lies, distortions, & satire.

  5. This is a complete INSULT to the Sentinels that stand watch over the Tomb. I could care less if this is similar to “The Onion”. This is something that should never have been posted. This “Paul Sharp” sure doesn’t live up to his last name. It should be “Paul ASSHOLE”.

  6. I do not think those who guard the tome are allowed to speak that way and I think it is a disgrace for a reporter to say that he does.

    • You’re new to Duffelblog, aren’t you? Think of it as “The Onion” s little brother who joined the Navy to See the World and woke up one day hungover on the floor of a third-world whorehouse wondering where it all went wrong… In short, it’s satire.

      • And quite funny too. After all, what kind of idiot thinks that those guys really love the duty and honor of standing in freezing rain, with balls that are half soggy and half frostbitten?

Lorax Shot In The Thorax

Brave DC Guardsman Runs Towards the Sound of Snowflakes