THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has found a creative solution to the ongoing budget crisis created by sequestration, using a clever personnel policy change, officials announced this week. By hiring more women and promoting them to senior leadership roles traditionally held by men, the department can pay them 73 cents on the dollar, with men making nearly 37% more.

“We met with Silicon Valley executives last year and they told us that they underpay all of their female employees to help reduce personnel costs,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter claimed explained. “I couldn't believe they've gotten away with it for so long, but I'm ready for the military to follow suit.”

Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus had previously resisted the integration of women into combat roles in the Marine Corps. After reviewing the economic benefits he has fully endorsed Carter's plan.