FORT BLISS, Texas — Army 2nd Lt. James Patterson is facing court-martial after refusing to sign for his platoon’s four experimental powered exoskeletons, totalling $2.3 billion in value.

“They just assumed I’d take responsibility for this gear I can’t afford to replace,” Patterson complained. “We took inventory and couldn’t even find one of the power suits at first. Luckily Pvt. Rico remembered seeing it in a bathroom stall in Charlie Company’s barracks.”

Patterson’s commander, Capt. John Blackstone, claims that the war machines are just like any other gear.

“You get your basic issue items and fourteen-hundred-page manual, then you maintain the suit like a vehicle,” said Blackstone. “A vehicle that runs on cold fusion, costs more than an F-16, and takes a week to inspect, but a vehicle nonetheless. I signed for weapons and stuff when I was a lieutenant, and I don’t see the difference.”