EVERGLADES CITY, Fla. — The Department of Veterans Affairs is scheduled to release a study evaluating the use of large sharks as therapy animals, and the official outcome is "inconclusive" regarding their effectiveness supporting veterans emotionally and physically, sources say.

The results are disappointing for the VA, which is eager to regain the trust of veterans after nearly a decade of scandal, incompetence, and mismanagement. They reportedly researched several obscure "avant garde" therapies and, as VA spokesman Randall Noller confirmed, officials are "leaving no stone unturned."

"We are exploring all of our options, no matter the cost or possibility of personal injury," said Noller. "Whether it is 'Squids For Squids,' 'Falcons For Blue Falcons,' or 'Seals for SEALS,' honestly, we don't care. Our goal is to show progress, and to keep veterans distracted until we find a way out of the monumental hole we dug for ourselves."

The charity chosen for this particular study, "Great Whites For Warriors," is the only service animal organization that employs Carcharodon carcharias as therapy animals. Helmed by Florida alligator farm entrepreneur and Chief Executive Officer William "Big Willie" Fallgren, the organization seeks to pair qualified veterans with their gentle "sociopaths of the deep."