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Buddy fucker charged with sexual assault

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — A local soldier who fucked his buddy this morning is facing discharge from military service, in addition to criminal charges and mandatory registration as a sex offender, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Bradley Chump, 18, assaulted the victim, Pvt. Jose Sanchez, at 0600 this morning during formation. Sanchez, who witnesses allege is at a dental appointment, was absent formation and “never even saw it coming,” sources added, somberly noting how much it must suck to go in for dental work after celebrating a 21st birthday.

“The Army’s sole mission is to fight and win our nation’s battles against sexual misconduct, and we go to extreme lengths to ensure our soldiers are properly trained in order to achieve absolute victory,” Chump’s commanding officer, Col. Phil Harding stated. “I’m absolutely disgusted a soldier could do this to one of our own.”

Sanchez, granted immediate convalescent leave, was reached by phone for a statement.

“Of course I couldn’t give consent,” he said, dry-heaving and audibly battling the invisible scars of abuse. “Even after my buddies utilized bystander intervention to defend me, Chump still managed to have his way.”

“How can I be expected to ever trust him again?” Sanchez asked.

Chump, roughly escorted away by military police, cried out, “Loyalty! Duty! Resp—” before being silenced by the cruiser’s door.

Chump will also be charged with attempted vehicular manslaughter for throwing Sanchez under the bus.

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