WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis was forced to announce his candidacy for president after repeated rumors of his possibly entering the race were met with comments of “No Balls” throughout social media platforms and online forums this week, sources confirmed.

Mattis, the former commander of Central Command, admits he grew complacent in his retirement and forgot how ruthless Marines could be when it came to a dare.

“I can’t avoid the brutal facts,” said Mattis. “I backed off in good faith to try and give the candidates a chance to straighten things out. I was living in a dream world, it got pretty bad.”

John Noonan, a former aide to Jeb Bush and early member of the movement to draft Mattis, is particularly eager to outline a campaign strategy for such a renowned fighting man of character and integrity.