HO CHI MINH CITY (FORMERLY SAIGON), VIETNAM (FORMERLY SOUTH) – U.S. President Barack Obama ended his tour in Vietnam Wednesday morning on a literal high note, as he conducted the traditional American custom of fleeing the country via helicopter.
The President and First Lady were photographed by reporters boarding Marine One from the rooftop of their hotel while Secret Service agents and U.S. Marines desperately battled to hold back throngs of Vietnamese onlookers and well-wishers trying to scramble on board.
Although the White House had initially declared Obama’s trip would not be an “apology tour,” the president was visibly in tears as he boarded his helicopter, saying goodbye to the thousands of Vietnamese he was forced to leave behind under Communist rule.
According to Obama, the evacuation ends what had become his 48 hour-long “national nightmare,” although some Vietnamese officials have privately said Obama was politely asked to leave after he and Secretary of State John Kerry had proceeded to raze their hotel room in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan.
In a nod to American culture, Vietnamese authorities had originally arranged for the departing Obama to be met at the airport by a naked girl on fire who claimed she had just been gang-raped by half the 82nd Airborne Division.
However, the Obamas were unable to depart on Air Force One because of persistent fireworks landing near Tân Sơn Nhất International Airport. They were instead flown out to sea to the aircraft carrier USS Ronald Reagan, selected due to unavailability of the USS Gerald R. Ford, where their helicopter was then ceremoniously dumped over the side.
In his rush to leave, Obama was only able to bring his traditional ear necklace and a case of herpes he contracted in the Red Light district. The President will now head to Japan for several days of heavy drinking while he tries to forget his pregnant Vietnamese girlfriend. The First Lady will proceed separately to a refugee camp on Guam where she will receive retraining in the nail salon industry.
Several White House press aides and Secretary of Defense Ash Carter were reported to have already fled into the jungle with their Hmong guides to make the long overland trip through the Mekong Delta to the sanctuary of Cambodia or Laos.