TAMPA — Army Gen. Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility. Turkey instead belongs to European Command (EUCOM), for reasons neither country fully understands.

Votel reportedly threw a party to celebrate dodging the conflict, after double checking his list of countries “out of an abundance of caution.”

“What are the odds?” he asked his staff. “Seriously. How did we squeak out of a ‘democracy in the greater Middle East’ problem? I don’t see what Petraeus was complaining about, this job is easy.”