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Re-enlistments spike after ITT Tech shutdown

WASHINGTON – Prior service reenlistments spiked sharply over the past week after federal financial aid was revoked for students enrolled at ITT Technical Institutes, the Pentagon announced.

At ITT campuses across the country, veterans leveraged the GI Bill to earn their degrees in cutting-edge fields such as VCR Repair, Daytime TV Marketing Algorithms, and Wood shop.

“The Department of Education really put these poor bastards in a tough spot,” said Col. Brian Fletcher, a workforce analyst for the Pentagon. “One minute, they’re greedily slurping down the sweet nectar of the voluptuous government tit, and then, BAM, they’re sucking a hairy dick like the rest of the middle class.”

Many veterans indicated that without government funding, they had no choice but to reenlist.

“I tried transferring some of my credits to the University of Phoenix,” said Tyler Clark, an Army veteran. “But they just laughed at me when I told them I had taken three semesters of typewriting and had rebuilt a 1982 Oreck in one of my sanitation labs.”

ITT and other for-profit colleges pride themselves on providing marketable degrees to veterans.

For example, DeVry University promises its business administration graduates top level management positions at “highly reputable” institutions such as Corinthian Colleges, the Brazilian government, and Enron.

A 2015 report indicated that ITT Educational Services specifically targeted transitioning veterans by taking out ad space at the bottom of the DD-214.

“We LOVE our veterans,” said Ralph Gordon, director of “admissions” for ITT Educational Services. “Some people just see a shitty haircut when they walk through the door. You know what I see? Money. Federal. Fucking. Money.”

“After I signed my 5,000th veteran, my boss got me a celebratory whistle that I could blow,” said Gordon, nostalgically smiling as he held up a long silver train whistle that read “All aboard the gravy train!”

Fletcher predicted that the transition back into the service was going to be hard for veterans.

“You think WE did a shitty job educating these guys?” said Fletcher. “I doubt these guys can even pass the ASVAB after the lobotomy that ITT gave them.”

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