WASHINGTON – Prior service reenlistments spiked sharply over the past week after federal financial aid was revoked for students enrolled at ITT Technical Institutes, the Pentagon announced.

At ITT campuses across the country, veterans leveraged the GI Bill to earn their degrees in cutting-edge fields such as VCR Repair, Daytime TV Marketing Algorithms, and Wood shop.

“The Department of Education really put these poor bastards in a tough spot,” said Col. Brian Fletcher, a workforce analyst for the Pentagon. “One minute, they’re greedily slurping down the sweet nectar of the voluptuous government tit, and then, BAM, they’re sucking a hairy dick like the rest of the middle class.”

Many veterans indicated that without government funding, they had no choice but to reenlist.