NORFOLK, Va. – In what the Navy is calling an “all too predictable” event, a sailor from Navy Cyber Defense Operations Command who accidentally missed a few months of mandatory training due to an administrative error has inadvertently started a drug and sex trafficking ring, while simultaneously becoming a spy for Russia.
“I’ve seen it a thousand times,” said Master Chief Tom “TJ” Judson. “These young sailors just have no idea how liable they are to spontaneously starting a drug and sex trafficking operation or engaging in espionage on a massive scale. You miss just one of these mandatory, monthly, computer-based training modules, and hell, you’re liable to wake up tomorrow as the next Pablo Escobar or Edward Snowden.”
According to sources, the sailor in question is described by his shipmates as “A nerdier, uglier, pussy-er version of Woody Allen, who couldn’t find his way out of a one-hatch compartment, let alone mastermind an illicit, multinational drug and sex ring.”
Judson went on to say that only last month his command conducted training on how to identify “honey-pots,” or foreign agents who often front as amorous women to target young, unsuspecting service-members.
“If that sailor had conducted his monthly computer training, he’d have known that a girl who introduces herself as ‘Svetlan..uh, er, Susie from the Cleveland of Ohio’ and asks him, ‘Do you desire a firm Americanski cigarette?’ was perhaps not ‘madly in love’ with him. Sadly, however, without that training, he was unable to identify those subtle clues.”
Navy Fleet Forces spokesman Lt. Austin Rembeck told reporters: “We’re aware of the situation and have already implemented a mitigation strategy that includes computer-based training specifically tailored to these types of situations.”
At press time, the accused sailor was reportedly locked in the brig, forced to watch the Navy’s financial-fitness training video on infinite loop, lest he take out any high-interest loans and ruin his credit score while awaiting trial.