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First sergeant berates kids wearing out-of-regs Army costumes

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A typical Halloween was ruined for many children who knocked on the door of the Brooks residence Monday evening, sources told Duffel Blog.

“What do we have here?” said Gerald Brooks, greeting another group of costumed trick-or-treaters. “A princess, a werewolf, and — oh. Out-fucking-standing. More imitation soldiers.”

Witnesses say that Brooks, a first sergeant with the 82nd Airborne, gestured sternly with his “command” hand, fingers extended and joined, toward the group’s two camouflaged nine-year-olds.

“You think you can mix that uniform with that that flock-of-seagulls haircut? Not in this man’s Army, hippie. Next time go as a career that will match your hair, like McDonald’s cashier. And you. Are you seriously wearing an eight-point cover with an ACU jacket? Do you even know what branch you’re pretending to be in? No Snickers for you, Jarhead. Now get the hell off my porch.”

“This is a travesty,” Brooks fumed after the children left. “I haven’t seen a single costume that’s AR 670-1 compliant. What the hell do they think being a soldier is all about — looking cool and playing with guns?”

Over the course of the evening, numerous children in military costumes were seen being turned away from the Brooks household, in tears and without candy.

“He told me to button my pockets and blouse my boots, whatever that means,” said Toby McWatt, a confused fourth grader who went trick-or-treating as “an Army Guy.” “Then he said he wouldn’t give me candy unless I told him what unit my dad’s in.”

“He’s a poophead,” McWatt concluded.

Brooks was unmoved by objections that the children were too young to know better.

“These kids are in it for the candy the same way some recruits are just in it for the college money,” he continued. “Well, at my house, a 3 Musketeers Bar is earned, never given.”

The lack of adherence to regulations apparently did not hinder the trick-or-treaters’ ability to act tactically, however.

Sources confirmed that later that evening, a squad of camouflaged children returned to 1st Sgt. Brooks’s property, egging the house and draping the trees with toilet paper in a clandestine mission reportedly entitled “Operation Stupid Jerkface.”

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Member

1SG needs to step it up and post the photos of those kids on a stolen valor website. I wonder how many corrections he had to make for those kids having their god damn hands in their pockets. Rabble..Rabble…Rabble…

pbouri
Member
Some one should tell Gerald Brooks to go to hell. I spit on his 2-dollar army and his uniform and his mom. Military guys crack me up, so tough and pretentious, feeling a sense of duty that they are protecting something greater than themselves. They feel they are protecting our “freedom” (the crap that breeds McDonalds, Black China, and Trump). The very essence of what they are protecting came knocking at his door in the form of an innocent child celebrating a popular cultural holiday (Halloween), and he still managed to act like an asshole. I have three nationalities (one… Read more »
peter.fritsch
Member

You do understand that this isn’t a real story, right? It’s meant to be funny. It succeeded.

Snuffy101
Member

One of the best parts of this site (and the onion) is tools like this who can’t tell this is satire. Bonus points for him then telling us to how smart he is… and newsflash buddy, the military IS protecting your “freedom”. That freedom includes the freedom to renounce your citizenship and move elsewhere… I hear Syria has a shortage of village idiots. With your “skills”, you would obviously qualify. Let us laugh at ourselves in peace.

pbouri
Member

Hey Snuffy, first of all the only tool is the dumbass that thinks he is free in America. Village idiots such as those can’t be convinced otherwise and they’re probably the biggest Trump supporters. Second of all, anyone is free to renounce their nationality, it’s not exactly a privilege. I wouldn’t mind renouncing my citizenship if it wasn’t for the Jews running the damn country and forcing me to pay a shitload of money before I do so. At least I’ve been to Syria Snuffy, where’s the farthest you’ve been, Kentucky?

TriggerPullerUSMC
Member

Pbouri I love that you don’t even have the integrity to address the fact that you thought this was a real article and it caused you to get so upset that you threw a lil temper tantrum. You just skipped right over that didn’t you Nancy? And the whole Jews comment you made is just pathetic. You’ve been to Syria? Wow aren’t you cool! lol U goofy kid.

pbouri
Member
TriggerPullerUSMC, I had the integrity and honesty to address it and you clearly didn’t read the previous messages. Anyway, temper tantrum is a bit too much…I would call it “enjoying my free time by instigating fucking losers such as yourself”. I can see it got to you. I am glad. Who gives a shit what you think is pathetic? No one. That may be what you think, but I guarantee you it’s true, and if it bothered you, even better. I am glad you think your sarcasm gets to me, at least I can imagine it’s much better than any… Read more »
Infantry Clown
Member

My god, you are a moron. You thought this was serious. Never been military, have ya? You must be all smart and stuff, pbouri.

Member

Are you retarded or just a Clinton supporter? You realize this is entire website is satire right? You claim to speak five languages do you know the definition of the word parody? Delete your comment you are embarrassing yourself. You are American but claim to not be proud of it. Believe me, NO ONE is proud that you can claim to be American. This goes to show education does not equal intellect.

pbouri
Member

haha, I am not retarded, nor am I a Clinton supporter, and I am definitely not a Trump supporter, though I can tell you are the latter. I didn’t know it is a satire website though you are right. Incredibly low IQ? Loser, I went to Chicago University and got a degree in finance. Where did you grow up, in Kentucky with your over-affectionate mother?

TriggerPullerUSMC
Member

Oh my, Chicago University aren’t you impressive. And a degree in finance- Wow super special. I bet the women just flock to you. Finance degree from Chicago University you could be a manager at Burger King with that academic background.

pssstttt It is University of Chicago there numbnutz. I think Chicago University is one of those made up diploma mills. U goofy kid

pbouri
Member

Haha, I guess “goofy kid” is your “go-to” insult. Seriously, everyone is getting stuck on the fact that I said Chicago University instead of University of Chicago. Dude, get over it, keep on believing it’s made up, I actually don’t care. Good thing I live in Romania and we don’t have Burger King. We don’t eat shit food like that for breakfast, lunch and dinner like you Trump-lovers do. haha.

Member

If you paid any $$ for that “education”, sue for a refund because you got ripped off. You could have saved that $$$ and still been a moron.

pbouri
Member

You’re right Jay, I did pay a shitload for that education and in the end it did its’ job: it got me a decent job, so I don’t see myself as getting ripped off. If you think I am a moron because of some stupid article on some website that no one visits, you haven’t met real morons. At least I was honest about it. In either case, you can go fuck yourself.

SamM
Member

pbouri – Too bad “Chicago University” didn’t teach you to recognize satire. I attended a tiny land-grant university in Southern Oklahoma and it was immediately apparent to me this was satire. I suggest you request a refund.
By the way, you should know Google Search and Bing offer zero results for “Chicago University” searches. There is, of course, the University of Chicago and Chicago State University, but no “Chicago University”. Next time, when you try to toss out impressive sounding but imaginary education, check Google before you start typing.

pbouri
Member

Hey SamM, seriously? University of Chicago = Chicago University. Same thing and I have been saying it for years now. Doesn’t mean it’s not true. I was not saying it to sound impressive, I was saying it simply to reply to Sammy’s shitty “low IQ” comment above. I am glad it was immediately apparent to you this was satire, but english is not my first language, and I didn’t understand it immediately, and I was honest enough to mention it. But whatever…

TriggerPullerUSMC
Member

No University of Chicago and Chicago University are not the same thing- for example 1 is real and 1 isn’t. Let’s review so far- 1. you got really mad at a satire article 2. you are a bigot (Jew comment) 3. You lied about your education the more you type the more I think you are a Clinton supporter.

PS- selling mobile phone plans at a strip mall in Sycamore city is probably the best job you’ll ever get so hop to it.

SamM
Member
Yes, seriously. And to drive home my point, there is no such thing as “Chicago University” and no one calls it that. It is the equivalent of saying “I went to the University of Harvard”, which doesn’t exist either. I included that little nugget about Harvard just in case you were thinking of invoking that institution’s name the next time you feel the need to inflate your online credentials to prove you’re better than everyone else. Attaining a level of education doesn’t necessarily rule out the possibility you are a moron, it just makes it somewhat less likely. Your insulting… Read more »
pbouri
Member
I wasn’t inflating my credentials to prove I am better than everyone else but simply stating it because it was the truth. I definitely do not believe I am better than everyone else, so you can relax, because I am aware it is not true and I wasn’t raised that way. I was simply stating the university I went to to prove that I am not a complete moron (though you believe I am) and have a certain level of education. Yes, saying the University of Harvard sounds weird, but when I tell people in Europe I went to University… Read more »
pete
Member
LOL, whom are you trying to impress with your degree? But I mean, if that’s the route you want to take, sure… I have a degree from MIT, as well as a CFA, and a master’s in law from another country. And what’s funny, a few years ago I actually was an “military guy”, protecting our freedom. One of the side effects of this freedom, unfortunately, is that sometimes it breeds crap like you. Obviously, you haven’t been to the military… (and I’m guessing nor have you ever done anything for your country… I mean the US, since you say… Read more »
pbouri
Member
Hi Pete, I was actually not trying to impress anyone (truly). I was simply trying to reply to Sammy’s shitty “Low IQ” message earlier. The truth is english is not my first language and I didn’t understand it was satire immediately. At least I was honest about it, and then laughed it off. There are many better schools than Chicago University (correction to the guy above: University of Chicago, haha) such as your school. MIT is a great school. Good for you. Crap like me? What is that, international successful multilingual cosmopolitan Americans? The beauty of this website is that… Read more »
pete
Member
Dude, I can assure you, I understand your perspective very well. English isn’t my first language, either, I brought my family to the US during my mid-20s. And I didn’t grow up in a rich or a democratic (or an English-speaking) country… So, unlike your buddies, I have seen the other parts of the world, and I know first-hand that nothing beats the American way of life. Tell about the “negative American ways” to an Afghani girl whose dad dumped a few liters of boiling water on her as a punishment. Or to the Russian journalist who died after police… Read more »
pbouri
Member
Hi Pete, yes, you are right, those are some serious issues and human rights violations in those countries and they do not have the political, legal or social infrastructure to deter that kind of behavior. I might also bring your attention to the fact that gay rights don’t exist in Russia or stoning still exists in Saudi Arabia or Israel’s systematic genocide and abuse of Palestinians. Yes many countries have their issues and I appreciate your opinion that the “ratio of good to bad” is the highest in America however it is not true. I lived in America for 7… Read more »
Member

When I was a kid if someone was that nasty to trick or treaters they would have gotten a brown bag full of poo and tar set on fire.

Member

On a plus side, which went utterly unreported in this story, the tactical action of egging and TPing was conducted in an utterly professional and proficient manner.

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