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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Saturday, 26 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Saturday

26 September 2026

2307 Zulu

Next edition Monday

← Front page
· Page 2

Syrian child disappointed she won't get to be drone-striked by the first female president

Filed · 1536

ALEPPO, Syria — In the midst of sectarian violence that has overtaken Syria for more than five years, nine-year-old Asil Kassab is shocked by the defeat of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

“I am so unhappy that a woman was not elected President,” Asil said, briefly ducking as a bomb from an American MQ-1 Predator drone leveled the hospital behind her. “Hillary Clinton is truly a role model for young girls like me. I was so hoping that she’d be the one to order the drone strike that would inevitably end my life.”

Despite Clinton’s support for regime change in Syria, leading to what is arguably one of the greatest humanitarian crises of the early century, Kassab surprisingly says she holds no ill will.

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