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Syrian child disappointed she won’t get to be drone-striked by the first female president

ALEPPO, Syria — In the midst of sectarian violence that has overtaken Syria for more than five years, nine-year-old Asil Kassab is shocked by the defeat of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

“I am so unhappy that a woman was not elected President,” Asil said, briefly ducking as a bomb from an American MQ-1 Predator drone leveled the hospital behind her. “Hillary Clinton is truly a role model for young girls like me. I was so hoping that she’d be the one to order the drone strike that would inevitably end my life.”

Despite Clinton’s support for regime change in Syria, leading to what is arguably one of the greatest humanitarian crises of the early century, Kassab surprisingly says she holds no ill will.

“I don’t put much stock in the misogynist agenda of American politics,” said Kassab, who, like many children, cannot remember a time before the war that has killed 400,000 people, including her family, and created over 4.7 million refugees. “People will always criticize her because she is a woman in a man’s world; One who has the audacity to run for President.”

“It is sexism that motivates her critics, plain and simple,” she added. “It is sexism, and racism, that caused her to lose the election!”

Huma Abedin, vice chairwoman of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, took a moment from sobbing into a pile of shredded emails to applaud the statement made by young Asil.

“Hearing things like that from little girls on the other side of the globe makes all this worthwhile,” she said. “Secretary Clinton was truly committed to a protracted ground war in Syria. Despite losing the election, I’m sure she’ll find some way to continue being a role model to women everywhere by fighting for no-fly zones and military aggression against Russia.

At press time, Asil was already busy placing “Michelle Obama 2020!” pins on the dust covered corpses lying unburied in the street.

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2 Comments on "Syrian child disappointed she won’t get to be drone-striked by the first female president"

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Member

Well poo. Maybe I can get my trusty Holy Stone HS 110 over there and pop some bottle rockets at her.

the_frumious_bandersnatch
Member
the_frumious_bandersnatch

Very funny article. Completely apropos and subtly satirical; just as hilarious as any recent dead-tree-media headline.
But that should be drone-“struck.” You’re welcome.[/grammarnazi]

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