Captain Crunch nominated as Secretary of Scrumptiousness
WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump said Saturday he had chosen retired Navy Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch to be secretary of scrumptiousness.
“We are going to appoint the Cap’n,” Trump told a small group of reporters outside of his Trump Tower residence. “He’s remarkable. Truly the best possible pick for secretary of scrumptiousness.”
Crunch, who currently captains a ship called the Guppy amid the Crunch Island archipelago in the Sea of Milk, has made his opinion on morning breakfast cereal and other snack foods very well known — namely that Washington lacks a cohesive strategy for the deployment and distribution of said foodstuffs.
“Washington is too happy to leave this task to the private industry, when it could be better handled with a bit of central authority,” Crunch said in November, at a speech delivered at the annual convention of the National Defense Review.
In order for Trump to move forward with the nomination, Congress will have to issue a waiver of a federal law preventing active military, as well as those currently serving as spokesmen for major dry cereal brands, from serving as scrumptious secretaries.
Trump may be showing a characteristic lack of foresight with this appointment, pundits suggest.
“This guy isn’t even American. He was born on Crunch Mountain on Crunch Island,” said Fox News’ Elizabeth Genevieve, a military analyst. “Who can vouch for this guy? Has he ever even been to the United States? Is he a pirate? What does that C on his hat mean? On that note, why is he even wearing a bicorne hat? These are valid questions that need answers.”
Most troubling is the Cap’n’s inconsistent military history. Various images have surfaced showing Crunch wearing one, two, three, and four bars on his sleeves, which each denote different ranks. Unfortunately for the Cap’n these images were taken at various times, which cast doubts on the claim that they portray a simple promotion.
The discrepancy is sure to come up in confirmation hearings for the presumptive secretary of scrumptiouness.
If Crunch can get over these hurdles, he will find himself at odds with some of Trump’s prior statements. For example, earlier this year Trump called for “the producers of scrumptious and delicious snack foods to police themselves,” which flies in the face of Crunch’s white papers presented through the Muncher Foundation, a think tank out of Yumford University, where he is a sitting fellow.
Few in Congress have telegraphed their positions on the matter. Though one naval veteran from South Carolina has vowed to oppose the vote.
“While I appreciate the service of Cap’n Crunch, I am worried about the potential regulatory overlap. While I deeply appreciate the cap’n’s service to breakfast foods, this is just one more case where the incoming administration is putting forth a name with deep economic connections in the area they are supposed to regulate. I will oppose a waiver.”