Trump vows to deport all illegal aliens from Area 51

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NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump has vowed to “immediately deport” all “illegal aliens” from Area 51 at Groom Lake, Nevada, after learning of the top secret collection of extraterrestrials during a classified briefing, which he live-tweeted on Friday evening.

“What we are going to do is get the aliens that have done weird stuff, blowing up cows and rectally probing, the ones that leave those stupid crop circles,” Trump told his more than 12 million followers. “We have a lot of these — they call them ‘grays’ I think — probably two dozen, it could be even three. We are getting them out of our country or we are going to do some autopsies for TV.”


When reached by phone, Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein muttered, “Jesus Fucking Christ!” began to yell, “We’ve got to get the Arquillians out of Vegas! Now!” before the line went dead.

A Trump spokesman was less certain of what would happen to any illegal aliens at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base’s “Hangar 18,” as Dayton, Ohio, has declared itself a “sanctuary city.” A public affairs officer at Wright-Patterson declined to give his name and immediately transferred the call to the Air Force Office of Special Investigations.

Col. Sam Flagg of the OSI declined to comment, saying only, “It is the policy of the Air Force to neither confirm nor deny that there are any aliens in U.S. custody.” Flagg, apparently thinking he had disconnected the call, was then heard to say, “Thank God we haven’t told him about the Kennedy Assassination or fluoridation of water yet.”

Trump’s spokesman said that another part of the plan involved stopping further alien invasion with “Ronald Reagan’s beautiful, fantastic ‘Star wars’ program” and “building a Death Star.”

“And we will make the aliens pay for it,” Trump added. "We've got their megablasters."