THE PENTAGON — In news that has every sailor and Marine in the Department of the Navy literally wailing with inconsolable grief, President Trump recently announced the nomination of a former soldier to be the next Secretary of the Navy, thus officially replacing the “greatest naval hero of the last century," Ray Mabus.

According to White House sources familiar with the decision, the president chose Philip Bilden, a former U.S. Army intelligence officer, for his myriad talents and abilities, though he lamented having to replace Mabus — a man universally beloved by the Navy and Marine Corps for being “a principled leader who never compromised his position to push his own political or social agendas," Trump said.

While serving for eight years as the 75th Secretary of the Navy, Mabus was held in the highest regard by the sailors and Marines he led.

Such near hero-worship was due to his wildly popular orders like gender-neutralizing the Navy’s rank and ratings system, naming warships after progressive social justice icons, forcing the integration of women into combat roles and onto submarines despite idiotic “concerns” from admirals and generals who had only 35 or 40 years of experience, and also trying to fuel every ship and aircraft in the fleet with patchouli oil.