Marine Commandant says those sharing nude photos have no balls

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WASHINGTON — Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller apparently responded to Marines within the ranks who have allegedly shared nude photos of their colleagues on Tuesday, proclaiming in a recent video that personnel who engage in such behavior are a bunch of dishonorable turds with absolutely no balls.

“So let me cut to the chase,” Neller said. “When I hear allegations of Marines denigrating their fellow Marines, I punch my aide in the face and ask ‘why are you disturbing my happy time?'”

“But let me tell you right now: You have no, I repeat, no fucking balls. You are scum-sucking maggots that I’d be happy to crush with my boot heel,” he added, stomping his boot on the ground to dramatic effect while shouting “kill!”

The video was in response to a scandal involving a private Facebook group called Marines United, where many of its nearly 30,000 members were found to be passing around nude photos of female Marines without their consent, or sharing photos stolen from their colleagues’ Instagram accounts. Comments on the photos often denigrated their service or encouraged sexual assault, as an explosive investigation by journalist Thomas Brennan revealed.

“Either you guys are more fucked up than a soup sandwich or my beloved Marine Corps has gone to shit,” Neller said, before spitting out some Copenhagen onto the ground in front of him.

Neller, who as the Corps’ top officer needs to be wary of exercising unlawful command influence that could negatively affect the outcome of an investigation, told reporters in a brief interview that he needed to be cautious to avoid the errors of his predecessor.

“Look, I’m not going to tell you I want these Marines ‘crushed’ like Amos did,” Neller reportedly said. “But here’s what I will say: If I find Marines out there sharing nude photos of other Marines online or posting rape threats, I will go to their barracks. I will find them. And I will kill them.”

In addition to his harsh comments toward male Marines who allegedly shared photos, Neller also praised the contributions of women to the Marine Corps, talked about their long service record alongside men in peacetime and in combat, and said that he would crush every single male Marine’s nuts if they disrespected their fellow female Marines ever again.

During the interview, Neller was seen adding a lance corporal, a sergeant, and a first lieutenant to his growing list of people to destroy with extreme prejudice after those Marines tried making excuses for the photo-sharing on the Facebook page of Marine Times.

At press time, Lt. Megan Simpson, a spokesperson for Headquarters Marine Corps, said she wasn’t sure when the video of Neller would be released to the public.