NEW LONDON, Conn. — A group of 65 Coast Guard Academy cadets enlisted this morning in lieu of accepting their commissions as officers, Duffel Blog has learned.

The cadets stated that they took action to avoid sitting through President Trump’s graduation speech later today.

“I’d much rather endure a few years of nicotine addiction and several failed marriages than listen to that bumbling orange windbag for 30 minutes,” said now Petty Officer 3rd Class Tyler Owens.