SOMEWHERE ON I-95 SOUTH — The United States has threatened to pull this war over immediately if everyone in the backseat won't quit asking to stop for an Afghanistan strategy break, sources confirmed today.

"I told you to create a cohesive inter-force strategy before we left. We're not stopping," the US said, while angrily glancing back in the rearview mirror.

According to sources, the US decided to go on a nice Sunday drive with the CIA and Special Forces kids on Oct. 7, 2001. But ever since hitting mile marker 2003 or so, the ride has been marred by setbacks, to include some near-misses with JDAM drivers, and an overwhelming chorus of requests from the backseat to stop at Green Beans Coffee or to take a break to create a winning strategy so the US could eventually exit the interstate and go back home.