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Geraldo Rivera Divulges Plans for Gen Mattis’ Surprise Birthday Party



MacDill AFB, Tampa, FL – The servicemembers of Central Command (CENTCOM) were shocked to learn that intiricate plans for a surprise birthday party for General James “Mad Dog” Mattis have been leaked by television journalist Geraldo Rivera.

“I wanna know who let the cat outta the bag,” said CENTCOM Command Sergeant Major Frank “Kung Fu” Grippe. “This is bullshit. We had a cake planned. And punch. Now it’s ruined.”

The leak occurred during a recent episode of “The O’Reilly Factor” on Fox News Channel. During a heated discussion, host Bill O’Reilly challenged Rivera to explain comments that “he was close to many top defense officials.”

“What do you know, Rivera? You know squat. Bupkus. You got nothin’!,” O’Reilly said.

Rivera then let slip that “I know that CENTCOM is planning a surprise birthday party for ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis. How do you like that shit, you pompous ass?” At that point, Rivera produced a laminated situation map indicating when and where the party was to take place, as well as the planned activities, invitees and other critical details.

O’Reilly quickly cut to commercial before Rivera could go to a sand table to discuss the exact party location and how everyone would be getting there.

A Fox News Channel producer, speaking anonymously, stated that O’Reilly, knowing Gen Mattis enjoyed impromptu gatherings, had to go to break before Rivera could divulge any more details. “Once we were clear, Bill just went apeshit,” the producer said. “He called Geraldo every name in the book. Let’s face it, Bill’s temper is legendary, and he loves the troops, especially Mattis. They go alligator hunting together for crying out loud.”

The response at MacDill Air Force Base has been guarded. A Security Forces Senior Airman, speaking anonomously, said “If the general knows, he’s not letting on. (CSM Frank) Grippe is freaking the fuck out, so is (CENTCOM Chief of Staff Major General Karl) Horst. Last time I saw him at the PX he was muttering about ‘fileting the son of a bitch who let it slip.’ He said it like it was pre-ordained. Like it had already happened.”

Meanwhile, CENTCOM Deputy Commander Vice Admiral Robert Harward is optimistic that the party will go forward without much word getting to Gen Mattis. “Listen, it’s not a big deal. It was just going to be some staff types, anyway. The real party’s going to be at the Outback Steak … shit. Forget I said that.”

A long-time friend of Mattis’, retired Master Gunnery Sergeant Otto Fischbein, said that Mattis is hard to surprise. “Fucker’s got a sixth sense about him. He sees plans within plans. You’re not gettin’ anything past Jim, I’ll tell ya that.”

MGySgt Fischbein explained Gen Mattis’ perceptive powers. “There was this time at Okinawa. I was his Platoon Sergeant. Here’s this shave tail looey, just outta Quantico, full of piss and vinegar. Literally. All he drank was vinegar. Anyway, we’re heading out for a foot march and we get out about four, five clicks. He stops, dead still. He looks at the squad leaders and whispers ‘Time to die.’ He reaches down, picks up this old Jap mortar round and hurls it a good 125 meters. He yells, ‘Get down unless ya want a window where your guts are!’ It blows up, we were well safe with that arm of his. Coulda killed us all. We marched over that very spot thirty, forty times. He spots this round first time out. I can’t count the number of snakes he killed that first march, either. We didn’t see any snakes for weeks. They knew not to fuck with Mad Dog.”

A Duffel Blog investigative reporter was able to speak with Gen Mattis briefly. When asked if he had plans for his 62nd birthday, Gen Mattis merely winked, smiled and then punched the reporter in the throat. Unconfirmed reports have also said he pulled a .45 caliber pistol but was quickly subdued by his staff.

Reports from sources close to the General’s inner circle reveal a recently transferred Public Affairs Major may have notified Rivera about the planned event. The unnamed Major was transferred to the newest ISAF Public Affairs office at Khaki Safed, in Farah Province, Afghanistan.

The Major’s primary role now is “to faithfully and honestly tell the story of the ISAF mision” to the local goat herders and opium farmers in the remote outpost.


The new intel analyst is weirder than the chaplain’s assistant



Army Chaplain in the Field

FORT BENNING, Ga. – Soldiers in Headquarters Company, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division are in unanimous agreement that the new intelligence analyst has dethroned the chaplain’s assistant as the company’s top oddity, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Eric Pridemore, the new all-source analyst, raised a few eyebrows when he arrived at the unit clad in a movie quality Kylo Ren outfit. Days later, Pridemore wowed onlookers on the brigade PT field with a flawlessly choreographed lightsaber duel, playing both sides himself.

“He seemed normal enough at first, you know … for an intel analyst,” said Pfc. Jeremy Kelly, Pridemore’s roommate. “Then I started noticing some pretty strange stuff on his side of the room. Even odds he’s a furry and I’m pretty sure I saw him throw a shovel, pickaxe, and a bag of lye in his trunk when I was walking back from the bar last Saturday night.”

Spc. Harold Ware, the unit chaplain’s assistant, was unavailable for comment regarding his fall in status. Ware, a 38 year-old juggalo, has 11 children and was once spotted in full insane clown regalia at the local Wal-Mart. His master’s thesis at Trump University was a comparative analysis between Juggaloism and the Coptic Christian Church. Ware was the company’s top weirdo due primarily to the creepy way he lingered around young female soldiers, his pencil thin mustache, and his characteristic taco and stale cat urine musk.

“Ware always gave me the willies,” said brigade chaplain Maj. Lester Kretchman. “And I went to seminary in Boston, which should speak for itself. But this new kid is a whole new level of strange. Even the mortuary affairs soldiers won’t talk to him, and I have heard some shit from them in confession … if you know what I’m saying.”

Eyewitnesses claim the new analyst was last seen moderating a debate with himself while sitting in the dining facility. When the brigade commander asked if he was okay, Pridemore reportedly hissed, made and maintained eye contact with him, and swallowed a whole banana.

Soldiers in the unit plan on conferring a “weirdo emeritus” status for Ware and believe Pridemore will only be replaced when he is arrested for beating his holographic anime wife or, more likely, promoted out of the unit.

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Trump affirms support for troops so long as they don’t get captured, tortured, elected senator, killed by brain cancer



PITTSBURGH — President Donald Trump reaffirmed his unwavering support for the troops who have not been captured, tortured, elected senator, or killed by brain cancer, in a speech today.

“I love America and all true Americans,” Trump said, speaking to a group of civilian workers at a munitions plant in Pennsylvania. “But serving your country honorably in the military, withstanding years of torture, serving the nation in Congress, and especially dying of brain cancer, aren’t what makes someone a true American.”

The president further clarified that his comments were not referring to anyone specifically and definitely were not related to that one time “someone” disagreed with him on policy or the time that same “someone” didn’t invite him to his stupid funeral that was probably lame and sad anyway.

From there Trump launched into a list of accusations regarding former Sen. John McCain, which aides have clarified was completely unrelated to his previous remarks. The accusations included that the deceased senator pushed for the Pearl Harbor bombing, tried to give Arizona to Pancho Villa, and is Michael Cohen’s biological father.

The president ended his speech by asking the crowd if there were any veterans present. When several raised their hands, he thanked them for their service and told them they were welcome for his before pausing only briefly to have one attendee with a POW patch escorted out of the building.

The McCain family has since issued a statement condemning Trump’s remarks but acknowledging they may be part of the commander in chief’s grieving process.

“When he sent flowers to John’s funeral that said ‘Boom, roasted’ we weren’t sure how to feel about it,” said Cindy McCain. “Some people deal with loss in hurtful, unnecessary ways, and I guess this is one of them.”

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ISIS bride launches bath bomb business on Etsy



AL-HOUL CAMP, Syria – ISIS bride Hoda Muthana is fighting to return from Syria the old fashioned American way — by running her own business until she can afford the airfare home.

“I’ve always had this innate, entrepreneurial drive,” said Muthana. “That’s why I created my own line of bath bombs and started a business on Etsy.”

Hoda’s bath bombs had an immediate sales spike after launch. Her top sellers: Inshavanilla, 72 Virgin Bubbles, and Rosy Ménage Fàtwa. Despite the mostly positive reviews, some buyers weren’t satisfied.

“These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I’ve ever purchased,” said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen ‘Fresh Car Blast’ bath bombs in the battlefield. “Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish.”

At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.

“We haven’t yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough,” said Curry. “A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed.”

The decision to work and save money wasn’t entirely Hoda’s choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.

“I don’t think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket.” Hoda shook her head. “But hey, on the bright side I’m becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it’ll be on my own terms. Roll tide!”

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Duffel Blog guide to safe for work porn sites



Feeling a little lonely while you do your shift at the duty desk? Pulling night watch in the motor pool and feeling a bit amorous? Or has it just been awhile since you got your ashes hauled or your clam slammed?

Well, we hate to break it to you (if you didn’t already know), but most units use network settings to prevent you from visiting porn sites at work. We can’t help you convince those busybody nerds at IT that it’s only natural for a good soldier to beat his meat or flick her bean once in awhile, but we can point you in the right direction to enjoy some good-enough-for-now porn at sites the filter software doesn’t block!

Workout and diet sites

You’ve got a job that requires you to be fit and healthy, so it’s only logical that you’d be allowed to visit sites for exercise programs like Crossfit, P90X, and the like. Many of these sites don’t just have pictures of hotties doing exercises in very little clothing, but also feature message boards where users can post before/after pics. You can find a lot of real and almost nudity in this treasure trove. Ditto with websites for diets like Atkins or Whole30.

Tattoo enthusiasts

If you’re running a tattoo parlor or magazine, you need a website to get your work seen by prospective customers. And you can’t show skin art without showing skin. If that intricate linework is coincidentally close to a nipple or dong, that’s not your fault, right? You gotta show those boobie tats, otherwise where is the spice in life?

Plastic surgery and breast cancer survivor groups

This is a fantastic way to get quite an eyeful, as plastic surgeons offer photographic proof of their good work. You’re not looking at porn—you’re doing research for your health! Just remember, if you print any of the pictures for later use, don’t leave them lying around in the printer tray.

The girls who need bigger tits because they’re not pulling in the dick they thought they would are one thing. But there’s also the girls who have booby cancer, and have had boob jobs because they got their real ones chopped off. It’s an empowering thing. You are helping cancer survivors celebrate their journey by looking at their tits!


Lots of aspiring models and designers put their portfolio up for no charge, hoping to attract work. What morons. They also compete to be the most eye-catching, and nothing catches the eye like a nipple or butt artfully arranged to look like it’s accidental. Of such things glory is made. And jizz.

Art and photography

Deviant Art isn’t just for deviants! It’s also for people who want a socially-acceptable way to look at naked stuff while at work. This is the most well known, but there are legions of websites dedicated to “art” that are really just pictures or drawings of people in various states of undress. Deviant Art even has an “erotica” category right in the navigation bar! It couldn’t be easier! “Boss, it isn’t porn, it’s art!” you’ll be able to say as you gesture with your monocle and polish your spats.  And he won’t be able to say anything because you’re so fuckin’ fancy.

So get out there and start beating or flicking, you sexy bastards!  They can’t say anything about these SFW porn sites!

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Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can



PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Badge hunter to become latest Army badge



JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. — The U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command announced the most recent attempt at Army retention today — another badge.

The Army says the badge-hunter badge will distinguish the service, citing the successes of historic organizations like the Boy Scouts of America, the restaurant Chotchkie’s from the movie Office Space, and Mattel’s line of never-ending Barbie accessories.

Public Affairs Officer Maj. John Wagner called it “the mother of all badges,” in a press briefing.

“We aim to have the most on our uniforms,” Wagner said. “We see it as an opportunity considering the new pinks and greens uniform is coming out. Look at Marine uniforms. Almost nothing. It’s terrible. How are they able to measure their self-worth if they can’t have forty pieces of fabric and shiny metal to wear to every banquet?”

The badge aims to recognize Soldiers who endlessly pursue awards and schools, often going months without being seen in their units.

“We aren’t ready to unveil what it looks like.” Wagner said. “But what we are allowed to say is it’s epic. The size of a baby’s head. Maybe the size of a tea plate.”

The badge hunter is only available to individuals with over 50 percent school time to service ratios. Positive evaluations are not a prerequisite, and a minimum of four badges must already adorn a Soldier’s uniform prior to applying for the badge.

No other requirements are known. Only badge hunters themselves know the true path to attaining the shiny piece of metal.

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Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University



The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

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Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal



professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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