CAMP BUEHRING, KUWAIT – A surprise rainfall wreaked havoc on soldiers stationed in the Kuwaiti desert today, causing massive power failures, interruption of connections to internet pornography websites, and widespread reports of increased boredom.
The rain storm, with initial reports indicating it to be a possible terrorist attack, was the first recorded precipitation in over six months.
Effects of the hour-long storm were as far-reaching as they were unpredictable, as dining facilities and base Post Exchanges were shuttered amid reports of sweeping power outages. None of these facilities were hit as hard as the base gym, however, which struggled to maintain order during a massive evacuation attempt.
“It was chaos in there—utter chaos. I was just pumping reps, bro, just pumping away, when suddenly the lights go out like kshhhshk [imitates the sound of dying air conditioners and lights]. And at first, I thought, look, I don’t need to SEE iron to PUMP iron, you know what I’m saying?,” said Specialist Evan Dieter, an avid gym enthusiast sporting a Tapout t-shirt. “But then these guys start yelling for everyone to get out. I mean, I didn’t rack my weights or anything. I even still got my towel—that’s how crazy this shit was.”
As private contractors and technicians worked to restore power, Duffel Blog caught up with one soldier standing outside the closed mess hall, waiting to be allowed in.
“I’m usually a pretty patient guy,” stated Army Sergeant Terry ‘Tubbs’ Cahill, “but not when it comes to feeding soldiers. It’s now ten, almost fifteen minutes since this place should have opened. Instead, I’m standing out here in the rain. It’s unacceptable.”
On top of power blackouts, soldiers using battery-powered laptops quickly found that they were without another vital utility: internet access. For soldiers stationed in the famed “Masturbation Station of the Middle East,” it was about to become the longest hour of their deployment. Captain Evan R. Mackey, overseer of facilities and maintenance for the Camp Command Cell, elaborated on the dire situation:
“Soldiers and airmen here have two favorite pastimes: eating and beating. If they can’t do one, they had better be able to do the other. If this situation isn’t dealt with quickly, we could have a full-scale mutiny on our hands.”
Mackey then quickly excused himself to chase away two soldiers attempting to overturn a nearby Humvee. He was unable to comment on claims that the storm was a terrorist attempt to disrupt base activities.
For younger soldiers, some only 19 to 20 years old, the thunderstorm was as confusing as it was unexpected.
“I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and there was this water falling down on me. I looked up, expecting to see someone on the roof with a bucket, or maybe a helicopter leaking fluid, but it was coming from the clouds,” admits Private Lee Hough, a 19-year old from Clayton, Missouri. “And then I see this flash of light, and it all comes rushing back to me—this is a thunderstorm. But for a minute there, it was bewildering, to say the least.”
Within a half hour of the storm, facilities were restored to order, and internet access was back online. However, tensions are still running high on Camp Beuhring, amid fears that the rain attack could happen again without warning.
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