KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — A Rage Against the Machine USO reunion tour took an unexpected turn Sunday after the entire audience defected and swore allegiance to the Taliban, sources reported.
Opening with their hit “Wake Up” to cheers from the audience, the song later reached the final verse, with the lyrics: “Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to pinpoint potential trouble-makers … And neutralize them, neutralize them, neutralize them,” as the audience screamed in elation.
“Neutralize them! That’s what we do motherfuckers!” Private First Class Nathan Jackson shouted along with other soldiers. “Neutralize this, asshole!” he screamed, taking off his reflective belt and throwing it at a nearby Staff Sergeant. He then began to rock so hard he shoved his hands in his pockets.
Nearby non-commissioned officers realized they needed to calm the crowd, and did so by bringing out Tyler Jay Satterfield to play calmer music. Opening with the popular EAS Song, Jay caused the crowd to start chanting “Never Re-up! Terminal Lance!”
After Jay left the stage, Rage began a cover of Anti-flag’s “Die for the Government,” where singer Zach de la Rocha repeated the line “You’re gonna die for the government, die for your country that’s shit” four times. Soldiers in the audience became rowdy as their hearts and minds were swayed by the music.
“That’s right!” Jackson screamed, “I will never pledge allegiance to their flag!”
Despite the troops swearing to defend the flag when they enlisted, the crowd began to riot as security guards attempted to quell the growing violence.
After realizing they were supporting a fascist government, soldiers began firing their weapons in the air. A First Sergeant tried to calm the crowd but spontaneously combusted after an entire platoon took off their eye protection and threw it into a bonfire.
“Death to the war pigs!” de la Rocha shouted, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Soldiers tore their uniforms off and disavowed all ties to the United States. Half an hour later Kandahar International Airport was under control of rebel forces.
After overthrowing the tyrannical rule of an elected president, the rebels asked de la Rocha what to do.
“Um, why are you asking me?” La Rocha said. “I sold out years ago.”
When word of the riot reached Gen. Joseph Dunford, commander of US forces in Afghanistan, he simply shook his head and asked “who the hell thought that was a good idea?”
At press time, Dunford had signed an order limiting all USO tours to shitty country music bands.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.