FORT MYER, VA — Elation turned to frustration for the United States Army during its 238th birthday party on Friday, after the service failed to to get what it wanted despite dropping a number of hints, sources confirmed. The armed service best known for bringing freedom to the North American continent, ending slavery, defeating Germany and Iraq twice, and stealing Santa Anna’s wooden leg, threw a severe tantrum when it didn’t receive the gifts it wanted.
“I never get what I want,” roared a petulant Army after opening its final present. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel tried to soothe the complaining service.
“Calm down, Army,” Secretary Hagel said, “You know I really wanted to get you those new future combat systems, but since I had to spend so much money on Air Force’s F-35 for its birthday last year, I didn’t have much left for you.”
“They’re not even using it anymore,” a sobbing Army replied, inconsolable and unconcerned with budgetary issues.
The Marine Corps scowled as Army folded its arms and pouted. “What are you whining about?” the Marines asked. “All I get every year is a message telling me how special I am and how cool my uniform looks. Besides that I haven’t gotten jack shit. Ever.”
Army Chief of Staff General Ray Odierno tried reasoning with Army, reminding the service that it got it some special new presents.
“More sexual assault training? Budget cuts? What the hell kind of presents are these?” Army fumed. “And what’s with the crates of tampons and maxi-pads for my infantry battalions? I don’t remember asking for those.”
The disappointment is understandable in light of recent promises made to the service by the Department of Defense.
“Army has taken it pretty hard in the last few weeks,” explained Lev Arkanian, an Army acquisition spokesman. “We had promised to reveal a new combat uniform this month and that fell through.” Arkanian rolled his eyes, an unspoken critique of pending legislation dictating two uniform camouflage patterns for all the services by 2018.
“Additionally, we cancelled the program searching for a replacement for the M4,” Arkanian added.
“This su-ucks. I haven’t gotten a really new rifle since, like 1963,” Army complained, while referencing the venerable M16 and its descendents the CAR-15, M16A1, M16A2, and M4.
“It’s not like Army has always had bad birthdays,” Secretary Hagel explained. “Sure, there have been stinkers, such as Army’s 226th birthday when Shinseki announced the adoption of the black beret for all Army personnel.”
“That was stupid and Shinseki’s stupid and berets are stupid unless they’re green or tan or maroon,” Army interrupted, screaming.
Hagel continued, “But there have been great birthdays, too. Take for instance, Army’s 169th birthday when it got a multi-divisional amphibious and airborne continental invasion! That was one to remember, by Jiminy!”
“I don’t even get decent invasions anymore,” Army cried. “I get two-bit dictators or third-world shitholes so some BP stockholder can sleep at night. Fuck that!”
Secretary Hagel chastised Army for its outburst. “Now, Army. What did we agree wouldn’t happen today?”
Army scowled as it replied. “You’re not my dad. You’re not George Washington.”
Secretary Hagel excused himself and Army as they entered the Pentagon. Sources close to the Joint Chiefs of Staff reported a tearful Army admitted all it really wanted was Air Force back.
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