YOKOSUKA, JAPAN — Sources confirmed a sailor with Commander Fleet Activities Yokosuka (CFAY) has been spending a majority of his free time in a base gym locker room trash-talking homosexuals while completely nude around other men.
Master at Arms 2nd Class Rory Cagle of CFAY’s security office reportedly spends upwards of 20 hours a week sauntering entirely unclothed up and down the corridors of the Purdy Fitness Center’s men’s locker room while preaching about his hatred of “choad smokers and sodomites.”
“Now that queers don’t have to hide being queers anymore, they’re gonna be looking to take the whole damn Navy over,” said Cagle — with one foot on a bench and his limp penis reportedly swinging back and forth the more animated he became — commenting on the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” to a group of fellow Sailors uncomfortably rushing to get dressed.
“At this rate, pretty soon we’ll be expected to suck off our chiefs just to get decent scores on our evals,” added Cagle, who claims he never wears a towel around his naked waist because he likes to “let the crank breathe.”
In addition to his concerns about homosexuality overtaking the entire Navy, sources confirmed that Cagle also regularly blames gays for ruining “all the cool bro stuff” — or heterosexual male bonding behavior — that he claims is no longer appropriate in today’s “Pussy PC Navy.”
“It used to be you could walk up behind a dude in the shower, plant your hand on his ass and squeeze it two or three times. We called that a ‘good game,’” Cagle explained to an unidentified Sailor, while awkwardly standing in the man’s personal space as he tried to towel off.
“But now, thanks to the homos and women getting their ovaries in a twist, you’re not allowed to give a ‘good game’ anymore, or even put your balls on your buddy’s forehead or in his mouth for ten minutes while he’s passed out drunk, and then photograph it from multiple angles,” Cagle complained.
“Hell, you can’t even give a man a decent back rub and handjob in the sauna these days without somebody getting the wrong idea and filing a complaint.”
“So thanks for that, faggots.”
At press time, a naked Cagle could be seen cornering an unsuspecting E-3 near the sinks while insisting he show the man “some basic wrestling holds” from his high school days.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.