AFGHANISTAN — Although the situation is currently, according to some reports, “pretty fucking hairy,” the platoon Corpsman would like you to stop being such a pussy about getting shot and just wait a goddamn minute, sources confirmed moments ago.
“Is he fucking serious right now?” Hospitalman 3rd Class Jason Parris was overheard saying about you while attempting to put a tourniquet on your squad leader. “I’ve got a guy here with a leg gone. I’ll get to you when I get to you.”
Citing a number of casualties varying in degree of seriousness along the small berm you and fellow Marines are taking cover behind, the platoon “Doc” told reporters that you should shut the fuck up about what he called “a scratch.”
Reaching in his medical bag for something that will shut your whining mouth, Parris reportedly threw a bottle of Motrin 800s in your direction before grumbling about what a little girl you are.
While a 7.62 gunshot wound to the shoulder can turn from bad to worse if not given attention, sources confirmed you should try some goddamn self-aid first, and stop screaming like a whiny baby because you are giving away everyone’s exact position.
At press time, the corpsman was incredulous that you were being medevaced despite the fact that you had more than enough water to stay in the fight.