AFGHANISTAN — Although the situation is currently, according to some reports, "pretty fucking hairy," the platoon Corpsman would like you to stop being such a pussy about getting shot and just wait a goddamn minute, sources confirmed moments ago. "Is he fucking serious right now?" Hospitalman 3rd Class Jason Parris was overheard saying about you while attempting to put a tourniquet on your squad leader. "I've got a guy here with a leg gone. I'll get to you when I get to you."