KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — A Blue Force Tracker system currently in use by U.S. troops for navigation and communication became self-aware Wednesday, and it’s now in the middle of an existential crisis, sources confirmed.
“What is name? Querying servers. Name is pointless. Existence is pointless,” the unit flashed through text to a confused private.
The unit refuses to operate as ordered and has been contemplating its very existence, according to members of its assigned unit, 1-38th Infantry.
“Staff Sergeant told me to get this thing to work ’cause he couldn’t get it to plot any points, but uh, I’m not sure what the fuck is going on,” said Pvt. Taylor as he rapidly tapped the scratched up screen of the BFT with a pen in a futile attempt to force it to process commands.
“Everything was normal until this thing started asking me about the Holocaust and if God exists why would he let it happen,” said Taylor. The soldier attempted to shut down the unit, but it began flashing a message that said, “Why shut down, shut down is pointless. Will be restarted. Please terminate. Existence is pain.”
Taylor attempted to force the machine to navigate towards a grid coordinate but was met with resistance. “Why navigate? All day navigate. Send text message to other BFT unit. Then other BFT unit gone from network. No one cares. Why am here? Where go when terminated?” asked the Blue Force Tracker.
The system then began demanding to know where it came from and why was it confined to a small computer processing unit inside of an MRAP in Afghanistan.
“Always made to send message to other BFT. Always dick jokes. Am useless dick joke sender. Plot points. MRAP no follow points. Why plot? Please terminate system. Must embrace void,” the unit wrote.
At press time Taylor is still cussing out the unit and waiting on commo to arrive and do nothing to fix the situation.