RAQQA, SYRIA — Despite the aspiring global caliphate’s best efforts to keep its militants disciplined and focused solely on worldwide jihad, the Islamic State admitted today that nearly half of the 71 soldiers it purports to have operating in the U.S. have already blown through their per diem pay, taken on dependent wives, and now find themselves heavily in debt to the tune of more than $50,000, on average.
Complaining via blog post that the group’s jiahids have become “slaves to the excess of infidels,” ISIS claims that upward of 40 commandos spread throughout 15 states have struggled to pay bills due to overspending on everything from high-interest payments on cars, car rims, high-end car stereos and professionally-photographed pictures of their cars, to the cost of supporting new spouses, their spouses’ multiple children by previous husbands, and the legal fees attached to those failed marriages.
One fighter in Virginia is even reported to have spent $4,000 (the equivalent of roughly four month’s pay) in just one night after finding a prostitute on Craigslist who agreed to come to the man’s hotel room dressed as a half-naked underage boy while carrying a copy of the Koran and three gallons of hummus.
“By Allah, we have trained our soldiers for many days and many nights in the way of the sabre, so as to severe the blasphemous head of the infidel from his wretched body,” a portion of the blog began. “And we have also lectured our jihadis on the evils of the West, and on all of the self-serving decadence our righteous warriors might encounter while infiltrating the land of the impure American.”
“But sadly,” the statement goes on, “it’s now apparent that the chance of martyring one’s self for 72 black-eyed virgins is no match for a blinged-out Escalade, some Truck Nutz, and pair of hookers with actual black eyes.”
“We will rethink our strategy,” the post concludes. “Especially in Florida.”
UPDATE: Since this story first appeared, ISIS now claims that its failed jihadis are having problems PCSing back to the Middle East from CONUS due to an array of obstacles, including securing foreign passports for their new American families, being stuck on the phone with SATO travel and — in one especially embarrassing case — trying to come up with an excuse for a “Don’t Tread On Me” full-back tattoo of the American flag.
Drew Ferrol contributed to this report.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.