VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis has vowed to enlist in the French Foreign Legion and deploy to Syria, an unprecedented move prompted by a series of terrorist attacks by ISIS, Duffel Blog has learned.
Officials confirm that the Pope has declared himself a “conscientious objector to the existence of ISIS” and plans to take part in direct combat. Though his Eminence must first obtain an age-waiver and graduate from boot camp; a feat other heads of state can only hope to match.
Jacques Trudeau, Commandant of the Swiss Guard, assured Duffel Blog that the Pope was deadly serious. “His Eminence has been doing burpees for over four hours,” he said. “I haven’t seen him this worked up since New Orleans claimed they ‘eradicated veterans’ homelessness.”
Pope Francis has also reversed his stance on gun manufacturers and declared them Christians again. “His Holiness’s views have evolved,” a Vatican spokesperson explained, “Now is perhaps a good time to be in the company of Western merchants of death, yes?”
The Pontifex also criticized America for its legislative gridlock surrounding the war against the terrorist group. Sources confirmed that he spiritually guided former Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to pass the Fiscal Year 16 Defense Authorization, but was unable to push further and call for a new Authorization For Use of Military Force.
The Pope instead took matters into his own hands and has declared a Holy Authorization of Force for all Western forces.
“These mongrels attacked a pillar of French culture: American death metal bands,” the Pope declared in a press conference. “Divine justice must be served, and I intend it to be a full-course meal.”
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