No One Gives A Shit About CO's ‘26.2’ Bumper Sticker
FORT BENNING, Ga. – Despite demonstrating a commendable tolerance for chafed nipples, sources confirmed today that no one in the 3rd Ranger Battalion gives a shit about Lt. Col. Donovan Studebaker running a fucking marathon.
Studebaker, who assumed command last month, admitted that the deafening indifference towards his locomotive prowess was a bit of a shock.
“At first I assumed everyone misheard me and thought I was talking about a Netflix marathon,” the colonel said. “Then I realized nobody cared. At all.”
Indeed, independent surveys conducted at the command revealed that general concern regarding Studebaker’s bipedal accomplishments ranked dead last, beneath even “Caitlin Jenner” and “Cecil the Lion.”
“Listen, real talk,” said Staff Sgt. Brody Hammer. “We’re in the business of shooting people in the goddamn face, not in the business of being fucking Kenyan.”
Even Studebaker’s KIA Soul, which proudly boasts of his racing milestones whenever he isn’t talking about them himself, has becom…
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