WASHINGTON — Due to reports of excessive wait times and crisis calls being sent to voicemail, VA officials announced they are outsourcing all of their call centers to North Korea effective immediately.
According to VA spokesperson Lydia Ostin, the People’s Republic had the most competitive bids for the project and no lead time to implement. She was also reassured by North Korea’s project managers that, despite a few tweaks to the call format, the transition from the US to North Korean call centers will be seamless.
“Users will notice the speed at which they hear their first ‘Death to American Bastards‘ greeting will be greatly increased,” said People’s Republic spokesperson Hong Gwang-suk, immediately before he was taken to a prison camp for speaking with Westerners. “Also, callers will be pleased to know we eliminated the requirement of entering social security numbers and home addresses by leveraging the OPM data breach from last October.”
Other noteworthy changes include listening to excerpts from Chairman Mao’s “Little Red Book” while on hold, the ability to sponsor a fellow soldier in the Korean People’s Army, and an option to speak directly to Dennis Rodman.
“Most Respected Leader Kim Jong-un and the people of Korea are most pleased to accept this great honor,” said Gwang-suk. “We will take great pleasure in helping Americans who are at their emotional breaking point and bring them under the Shining Star of Paektu Mountain’s ample wing.”
With an almost ten-fold capacity increase and 90% cost savings by charging only pennies on the dollar, fiscal hawks and crisis callers should all find something to like. However, beta testers of the new call centers indicated there are still many bugs to work out before going live.
“I called numerous times during the beta testing, and each time I was questioned about what it was that I had to be upset about,” said an anonymous staff member at the VA. “In one instance I was told to ‘Stop being a little bitch,’ and yet another I was told ‘at least your family wasn’t drawn and quartered and fed to wild dogs.'”
“And I am pretty sure one man propositioned me to smuggle him out of North Korea,” he added. “But then I heard a ‘thwack-thwack’ sound and a new representative took over. It was weird.”
Despite the glitches, Secretary of Veterans Affairs and former Army Ranger Robert MacDonald has indicated that the program is “full speed ahead” and “will be used as a test for other future North Korea outsourcing initiatives,” including claims processing, VA loan disbursement, and a new Kim Jong-un Eternal General Secretary of the Party University online re-education program.