NORFOLK, Va. — Following a six month port security deployment to Naval Support Activity Bahrain, Petty Officer 3rd Class Duke returned home today to find his bank account depleted and his wife sleeping with another dog.
“I knew something was up when [wife Bella] stopped sending me pics of herself playing with our favorite chew toy,” said Duke. “Sure enough, that fornicating bitch was doing it doggystyle with some jarhead when I trotted through the door this morning.”
A member of the Coast Guard’s Maritime Security Response Team (MSRT), Duke returned home after completing three deployments to Bahrain.
“I loved it over there. Tax free income, incentive pay out the ass, Persian rugs to piss on,” said Duke. “It was a blast. By the end of this tour, I had saved enough money to get my balls reattached. Guess I can forget about that now.”
While her husband was flying home from Bahrain, Bella transferred all of Duke’s savings into her boyfriend’s account.
“I needed a real man,” said Bella. “Not some puddle-pirating hermaphrodite. Plus, my boyfriend can support me financially. He invested all Duke’s money in a new line of TapouT collars and Monster-flavored puppy chow.”
Bella’s boyfriend, Cpl. Butch, served with Duke as a bomb sniffing dog while they were both deployed in Bahrain.
“The Coasties that go over there think they’re all Navy SEALs,” said Butch, taking a drag from his Purina One vape. “They’re all pussies. I mean, Duke pretty much has a furry vagina where his balls used to be. No wonder Bella left his ass.”
While he sorts through his personal and financial issues, Duke’s handlers are allowing him to perform community service at a local Virginia kennel that provides support for male dogs struggling with gender identity issues.
“It’s a dark time for me,” said Duke, adjusting his out of regs iridescent eye pro. “But giving back to dogs who went through the same thing that I did will help me get back on my paws.”