WARREN AIR FORCE BASE, Wyo. – The Air Force is investigating a nuclear security unit suspected of rampant cocaine use, sources report.
“We are perplexed at how this keeps happening,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter said. “These airmen are assigned to luxurious locations like Wyoming. The only way they could have it easier would be to work in the Pentagon.”
The Air Force nuclear community suffered multiple scandals in recent years ranging from losing control of nuclear warheads to cheating on proficiency exams.
Officials began to suspect drug use after airmen achieved an unprecedented bump in training performance. “The ‘White Tiger’ security squad really turned things around since Thanksgiving,” 90th Missile Wing Commander Col. Stephen Kravitsky confided. “They were hitting their goals hard on the nose. They even started cleaning their bathroom facilities.
“The counters were impeccable.”
Senior enlisted airmen who investigated discovered widespread cocaine use, although they admitted they “were not surprised.”
“Let’s face it, we have less of a chance of seeing action than an ROTC cadet on prom night,” an unidentified first sergeant said. “Morale here is harder to keep up than a schlong at sixty, if you catch my drift.”
The accused airmen claim that they had no other choice. “They stopped letting us cheat on our exams two years ago,” Tech. Sgt. James Malone explained. “What were we supposed to do, fail? Besides, our motto is to Aim High – Fly, Fight, and Win.”
“And nothing makes you fly like a Wyoming eight-ball.”
While the investigation continues the 90th Missile Wing will replace the ‘White Tiger’ security team with a Marine security detachment.
“They’re trouble, but they’ll stick to whiskey and dick-pics,” Kravitsky said.