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Coast Guard vows to move to Canada if Trump is elected

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BOSTON — The United States Coast Guard will move to Canada if Donald Trump is elected as Commander-in-Chief, Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Paul F. Zukunft announced at a press conference today.

“Frankly I don’t see the point in saving the lives of people who would self destructively vote in a guy like that,” Zukunft said. “Why would we waste the man-hours and asset capabilities? It’s pointless!”

Trump campaign staffers had reached out to Coast Guard Atlantic and Pacific Headquarters once it became clear Trump would be the Republican nominee to discuss the future the role of their service in a Trump administration.

“We actually got a call from the Trump camp asking if we could provide an ‘Elite Coast Guard’ that only saves people with a higher income and voted for Trump,” said Rear Adm. Mike Winiarski of Coast Guard Atlantic Area. “They even asked about the possibility of a floating wall in the Caribbean.”

Zukunft says a complete defection to Canada presents obstacles, but they are manageable.

“Oh we understand the logistical nightmare that this will take,” he said. “But considering the Category 4 shitstorm that’s headed our way, I think it’s worth watching these mouth-breathers frantically wave from the roof as we pass overheard.”

When asked for comment, Trump said, “I have a plan to create a newer and more better Coast Guard and it will be the bestest Coast Guard anyone has ever seen. They will save way more people than any Coast Guard in the world.” He then began to explain that all the boats and helicopters would be huge and painted gold.

“Yeah I’m not exactly thrilled to make this decision,” Zukunft reluctantly said, “But hey! Look at this Justin Trudeau guy! I mean, he’s a Star Trek fan and has the hottest wife. Now that’s a leader!”

Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Coast Guard suspends hurricane relief operations for racial sensitivity training after circle gesture airs on national TV

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COAST GUARD STATION NEAR YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED — The Coast Guard has suspended Hurricane Florence relief operations in order to address a service-wide racism problem that nobody even knew about until one of its own played the “circle game” on national television yesterday, sources confirmed today.

During a briefing about the response to Hurricane Florence, an unnamed Coast Guardsman, seen in the background, appeared to scratch his forehead and then make a circle with his thumb and forefinger as another service member briefed reporters.

The gesture was immediately noticed by the nation’s best thinkers, who are all on Twitter, Vice and Facebook. After scores, or maybe five, intellectuals reported the offensive act, the Coast Guard sailed into — or actually, out of — action.

“We are aware of the offensive video on twitter – the Coast Guard has identified the member and removed him from the response,” the service tweeted. “His actions do not reflect those of the United States Coast Guard.”

Operations then ceased as hundreds of Coast Guardsmen departed the Eastern Seaboard to assemble in front of giant screens placed well ashore, on which PowerPoint briefings projected images of reported racists making the circle gesture, such as Alabama police officers, Oprah Winfrey, Colin Kaepernick, and — briefly — Presidents Trump, Obama and Clinton.

Speaking at a hastily-called press conference far away from Florence’s impact, Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray told reporters, “We used to be tremendously busy with the response to Florence, so we don’t have time for these games, whether they are intended as harmless fun or are actually symptomatic of a long-standing, service-wide Aryan skinhead alt-right hate problem we just learned about like, nineteen hours ago.”

Ray added: “But now that the nation knows that we’re really a bunch of heehawing, Sieg-Heiling fascists just looking for the chance to ignore a minority’s distress call, we have ceased all operations worldwide in order to conduct sensitivity training about the racist ‘circle game.’” 

But while speaking, Ray scratched his ear, which according to the Internet is a white power gesture that symbolizes crackers not wanting to hear minorities speak truth to power.

He was immediately removed from the podium by his own security detail and replaced by Commandant Karl Schultz, who was subsequently removed after an American Sign Language interpreter to his left made the letter “f” with his hand while Schultz spoke. That letter is the same “A-OK” symbol used by white supremacists, Coast Guardsmen and deaf Americans, according to several Redditors contacted by Duffel Blog.

Reaction to the Coast Guard’s response was swift among the nation’s five military forces.

“Overblown,” declared Air Force Master Sgt. Jermaine Grier, two-time winner of the Pacific Air Forces’ annual circle game competition. “First of all, it was above the waist. That’s a foul and the captain — or was it a petty officer? I can’t tell their ranks — should have turned right around on camera and punched that guy’s arm off.”

At the Pentagon, Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith noted that while everyone needs to combat racism, the A-OK sign was disguised as a scratch, which violates rules.

“It can’t be set up like that,” he said, adding, “speaking for America’s real sailors, we work hard to maintain high standards of integrity and honor.” Smith then turned to an aide and requested the statistics on how many Pollywogs kissed the Royal Baby in the last fiscal quarter.

After the video of the gesture went viral, sales of Margaret Atwood’s 1966 poetry book, “The Circle Game,” increased dramatically in Coast Guard exchanges nationwide. This caused the Coast Guard’s Office of Public Affairs to tweet, “The book, ‘The Circle Game,’ is not an instruction manual. Furthermore, Joni Mitchell’s 1970 song of the same name is not to be played during any Coast Guard formation.”

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Coast Guard

Drunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. asking for place to crash

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PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.

“She’s pretty hammered,” said Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying things like ‘HEY! It’s me yer best fuckin’ friend. I’m shitfaced from the Caribbean and I need a place to pass out and take a fackin’ shit’.”

Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads began making preparations on the off change Florence is what they call a Category 4 Shitstorm. This means she will likely arrive blackout drunk, begin eating everything out of the refrigerator, puke in the sink, start playing trap music at full volume, start a fight with the lamp, and have sustained winds of up to 140 mph with a 24 ft storm surge.

The last reported contact from Florence was a drunk text with a blurry selfie and the message, “letz go 2 olive garden im fukin #REKT”.

The past drunk hurricanes of 2017 were devastating to the Coast Guard, costing up to $900 million dollars of all-hands-on-deck rescue and recovery operations. Hurricane Florence’s drunken arrival could add to that cost and cause extreme damage due to her erratic behavior and tendency to get really dramatic about small shit for no apparent reason.

The Coast Guard plans to prepare for the eventual arrival of Florence by supplying Extra-Strength Advil, a giant bottle of water, an extra set of blankets, and a Home Depot-sized puke bucket because nobody wants a repeat of last time.

At press time, Coast Guardsmen confidently assumed that Florence’s response in the aftermath would likely be, “What happened last night? lol was I that drunk?”

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New Coast Guard recruiting commercial: ‘We don’t do PT!’

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NORFOLK, Va. — Senior Coast Guard leaders have approved a new advertising campaign designed to increase enlistment numbers, keep up retention rates and encourage other service members to lateral over to the Homeland Security’s premier maritime service, sources confirmed today.

The campaign, called the “We Don’t Have A PT Test” drive, is intended to show that, while all other military branches have strenuous and physically demanding fitness challenges, the Coast Guard just doesn’t have one, officials said.

Airing nationally starting in October 2018, the campaign will include pictures of Coast Guard men and women just sitting around a TV laughing while all other services sweat out their PT tests. Despite the Coast Guard trying at one point to initiate an actual PT test back in 2015, eventually they pulled the idea after realizing it was a motivational factor for people to join their service.

“Professionally the Combat Fitness Test is way too hard for the Coast Guard and just a complete waste of time,” said Vice Adm. Carl Chultz, commander of the Coast Guard’s Center of Initial Military Training. “Continuing to not work out unless you absolutely have to is a luxury that we are not willing to give up just yet, plus in the long run, we’re going to gain a buttload of new recruits with this incentive.”

“Although research and testing claims that being physically fit improves overall lifestyle, it just seems like a huge hassle,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of the Coast Guard Jason M. Vanderhaden. “All the other services have a PT test and where did that get them? We’re still able to perform our job without some silly high school push-up challenge for jocks.”

Roughly 87,569 men and women are serving in the Coast Guard and continue to happily go without a PT test. They also provided feedback on whether to institute a test as part of the Coast Guard Training and Doctrine Command and Forces Command survey, which they responded with a 99% participation rate and resounding, “No.”

The Coast Guard anticipates approximately 40,992 men and women will join within the next half a decade due to the new incentive. It is unknown whether or not other military branches will produce similar advertising strategies or just continue to think having a silly PT test to make sure full grown adults can take care of themselves.

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Trump signs executive order putting Chik-fil-A on every military base

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WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard unveils ‘Maritime Darwinism’ policy after getting $2.28 billion budget cut on its birthday

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WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard is turning 228 years old today, and Congress is surprising them with a $2.28 billion budget cut in fiscal year 2019. As a result, the Coast Guard will be unveiling a new ‘maritime Darwinism’ policy to reduce its operational workload.

“I really was hoping for a new heavy icebreaker in 2019,” said Adm. Karl Schultz, who assumed his role as Commandant in June 2018. “But a 25% cut to our operations and mission support budget is more than I could have ever hoped for.”

Schultz went on to comment that one of his main goals as Commandant is to deploy his strategic priority of reducing search and rescue cases by allowing stupid people to perish at sea.

“This budget cut is just the thing I’ve been hoping for,” said Schultz. “It will allow us to make some true vertical cuts and actively degrade our offshore detection and response capabilities.”

Schultz alluded to a notional policy of “tactical ignorance” that the Coast Guard has been working to roll out over the past several years.

Under this policy, search and rescue assets will only respond to what can be seen from shore. The use of advanced radar, communication relays, and other sophisticated sensors will be significantly curtailed, officials said.

“We really want the public to start thinking of us as glorified lifeguards,” said Schultz, nodding to a framed picture of David Hasselhoff on his desk.

“If you’re a few miles off and need some fuel, no worries, we got your back. But we plan to let natural selection run its course if Joe Boater decides it’s a good idea to go 20 miles offshore in his 15 foot center console during a tropical storm. Good luck, buddy!”

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Coast Guard nervous over upcoming disabled veterans sailing race

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MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior Sailing Race, sources confirmed today.

“If we’re going to start together then we’re going to end together,” said Marcus Distelrath, a former U.S. Marine who lost both his arms in an IED blast, before starting the race.

“Um…yeah, about that,” said Petty Officer Stacy Hearn, a Boatswain’s Mate at Station Monterey. “We’re really supportive but this seems a bit dangerous and excessive. I mean, there’s one guy who’s using just his teeth to handle the lines.”

She added: “I’m pretty sure he’s just a life jacket with a head.”

Distelrath is part of the veteran non-profit organization, Sailing For Freedom, which provides veterans with sailing lessons as they begin their transition from military to civilian life.

“I’ve always wanted to do a sailing race, but I was always uneasy and terrified to do it on my own,” said Matthew Estes, who has been learning how to sail for the past six months despite having lost his legs and his right eye in a fire fight in the Middle East. “But Marcus has really given me the bravery that I can do whatever I want despite my disability.”

“Look, we’re not going to cancel the event,” said Hearn with her hands positioned in a defensive manner. “But let’s just say we’re going to be like a parent watching their toddler tightrope walk for the first time.”

Bob Cohen, who’s also a disabled U.S. Marine, has post-traumatic stress disorder and suffers from epileptic seizures.

“My brain just kind of lights off like a fireworks factory catching fire, but I’m still physically fit, and there are veterans that are perfectly capable of doing a race like this. Just because my mind is like a spastic Tasmanian devil, I would like to help these vets achieve something and not have their injury define them,” Cohen adds.

Some of the veterans will have their service animals with them in case they suffer from an episode that impacts their ability to sail.

“Oh, Christ,” added Hearn.

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Report: Man in sinking boat shooting flare on 4th of July pretty sure he’s gonna die

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LAKE MICHIGAN – At 9:30PM, local mariner Billy Shaver was transiting Lake Michigan to watch the 4th of July fireworks when he realized his boat was sinking rapidly. Without any method of communication to contact the Coast Guard except a red distress flare, Shaver at last came to terms with the fact that this is the day he will die.

“I understand the irony of this situation and I regret the decision to not bring a VHF radio,” said Shaver, adding that it was pointless to shoot the flare at this point and time, as he is surrounded by fireworks off the Navy Pier in Chicago.

“I’m going to try screaming for help but the celebration is so loud right now that I doubt anyone will hear me. I think at this point I think I’m fucked unless some heroic person who believes every firework is a mariner in distress calls the United States Coast Guard and tells them they see…oh I don’t know…20 to 30 red, blue, purple, pink, and white flares with pretty sparkles.”

At press time, Shaver was able to cling to a nearby weather buoy and coincidentally find the perfect spot for the evening’s 4th of July display.

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