Report: Shitbag still at the exchange

navy exchange
020807-N-0872M-537 Norfolk Va. (Aug. 7, 2002) -- Shoppers shop inside the mall section of the Navy Exchange located at Naval Base Little Creek. U.S. Navy photo by PhotographerÕs Mate 1st Class Martin Maddock. (RELEASED)

NAVAL BASE SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Proud of how easily he’s able to avoid duty, sources confirmed Friday that total shitbag and complete waste of oxygen Seaman Brian Tyson, 21, apparently is still at the goddamn exchange.

“He said he was going to ‘be real quick’ and ‘grab a few things’ but that clown has been gone for 3 hours now,” said Tyson’s supervisor Petty Officer 2nd Class Christine Turner, emphasizing her frustration that this asshat managed to sneak out yet again without anyone figuring out he’s going to spend the entire day at the NEX. “He’s probably looking at GQ magazines, browsing through the DVDs, debating on whether or not he should buy that new iPad, trying on camouflage Under Armour shirts, and just generally wasting as much time as possible until just before 1600.”

By Duffel Blog’s estimates, Tyson has probably spent roughly 394 hours at the exchange since reporting to Naval Base San Diego last year. According to NEX employees, Tyson spends 2 to 3 hours meandering the isles until finally only buying a bottle fruit punch Gatorade and a bag of Jack Links beef jerky.

“This useless human traffic cone doesn’t even ask anyone if they want anything before leaving,” Turner said. “It’s because he knows someone will be depending on him, that way he can wander around aimlessly without anyone noticing until we all ask ‘Have you seen Tyson?’ and then it becomes strikingly clear.”

At press time, sources say Tyson was last seen ironically browsing the U.S. Navy sweatshirts and wondering which one will make people think he’s a Navy SEAL without actually engaging with him.


Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.

5 Comments

  1. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­M­a­n­y­ p­e­o­p­l­e­ ­w­a­n­t­ ­t­o­ h­a­v­e­ ­g­o­o­d­­ ­­i­n­c­o­m­e­ ­a­t­ ­h­o­m­e­ but they dont know how to do that on Internet there are a lot of ways to earn huge amount of money, but whenever people try that they get trapped in a scam so I am sharing with you a genuine and guaranteed way for free to earn huge amount of money at home anyone interested should visit the page and i am more than sure that you will be succeed. Best Of Luck!
    Regards a humble Human being.

    w­w­w.j­o­b­s­n­e­w­s­1­1.c­o­mTM

  2. This really works well if you’re stationed at Pt. Loma or NASNI and you head for the NEX mall at 32nd Street. It worked well in Alameda back in the day, too.

eisenhower

DARPA to reanimate Eisenhower’s corpse in time for presidential election

Heartwarming! This sergeant major cheers up hospitalized soldiers by pointing out uniform infractions