NAVAL BASE SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Proud of how easily he’s able to avoid duty, sources confirmed Friday that total shitbag and complete waste of oxygen Seaman Brian Tyson, 21, apparently is still at the goddamn exchange.
“He said he was going to ‘be real quick’ and ‘grab a few things’ but that clown has been gone for 3 hours now,” said Tyson’s supervisor Petty Officer 2nd Class Christine Turner, emphasizing her frustration that this asshat managed to sneak out yet again without anyone figuring out he’s going to spend the entire day at the NEX. “He’s probably looking at GQ magazines, browsing through the DVDs, debating on whether or not he should buy that new iPad, trying on camouflage Under Armour shirts, and just generally wasting as much time as possible until just before 1600.”
By Duffel Blog’s estimates, Tyson has probably spent roughly 394 hours at the exchange since reporting to Naval Base San Diego last year. According to NEX employees, Tyson spends 2 to 3 hours meandering the isles until finally only buying a bottle fruit punch Gatorade and a bag of Jack Links beef jerky.
“This useless human traffic cone doesn’t even ask anyone if they want anything before leaving,” Turner said. “It’s because he knows someone will be depending on him, that way he can wander around aimlessly without anyone noticing until we all ask ‘Have you seen Tyson?’ and then it becomes strikingly clear.”
At press time, sources say Tyson was last seen ironically browsing the U.S. Navy sweatshirts and wondering which one will make people think he’s a Navy SEAL without actually engaging with him.