CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

The following is a point/counterpoint article written by former Spc. Aaron Johnson, who lost his leg after his Humvee was hit by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan in 2008. 

POINT: I lost my left leg 10 years ago. The docs told me I’d still live a normal life.

COUNTERPOINT: He’s only four, but my son can sometimes be a bigger asshole than the Taliban that buried the IEDs that wiped out our convoy.

POINT: I know I should be thankful. I came away from that explosion in better shape than most of my friends.

COUNTERPOINT: I fucking see you, Lego version of Chris-Pratt-from-the-latest-installment-of-Jurassic-World.

POINT: I thank God every day for the loving support of my friends and family. My wife — who saw the best in me despite finding me at my worst — pulled me up and gave me a second chance at life.

COUNTERPOINT: I used to never see these Lego sons-of-bitches. I’d only hear the crunch of titanium-on-plastic after the fact. In all honesty, I felt remorse, but this shit started to get real old real quick.

POINT: Still, I struggle. I drink more than I should. I got blitzed at an Applebee’s yesterday. I only meant to stop by for curbside delivery.

COUNTERPOINT: I’m not going to lie. Now, I’ll go out of my way to step on these fuckers if I see them. Call it poetic justice.

POINT: I slipped in a puddle of piss in the bathroom during happy hour. My leg came off, and my stump landed in a urinal.

COUNTERPOINT: JUSTICE! DO YOU HEAR ME, CHRIS PRATT?

POINT: There are still little bits of cake in my stump.

COUNTERPOINT: I AM INVULNERABLE! I AM GOD!

POINT: Urinal cake.

COUNTERPOINT: Everything is awesome!

NEW YORK — The United Nations’ Department of Peacekeeping Operations (DPKO) has quietly announced the postponement of its planned invasion of the United States for the 26th year in a row, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve suffered another setback, unfortunately,” said Jean-Pierre Lacroix, under-secretary General for Peacekeeping Operations, to a small group of reporters atop the General Assembly Building in Manhattan. “With nearly 60% of our 90,905 uniformed troops and police officers being non-deployable due to Class 3 dental issues, we just don’t have enough bodies to occupy a country the size of the United States, much less disarm the populace and send them to re-education camps.”

“This is worse than three years ago when our soldiers flooded the bathrooms in the abandoned Walmart during Jade Helm,” he added.

Much to the disappointment of InfoWars viewers everywhere, the long-awaited Red Dawn-like scenario of repelling the gun-confiscating Blue Helmets apparently won’t be happening this year, experiencing another delay like it has every year since New World Order agent Bill Clinton became president.

Lacroix also expressed frustration at the constant roadblocks to the Globalists’ plans to subjugate the nation with the highest gun-ownership-per-capita on Earth.

“After our Manchurian candidate left office last year, we no longer had the US military available to ‘execute Order 66,’ if you know what I mean,” Lacroix said with air-quotes as he referenced Star Wars Episode III. “I called my friends Vladimir and Jinping to send reinforcements for when we launched, but their aircraft carriers broke down at sea and never arrived.”

At this point in his public address a black, unmarked UH-60 arrived on scene and hovered overhead, cautiously descending toward the General Assembly rooftop.

“Well, at least our rotary-wing aircraft are actually flying this time,” the under-secretary general yelled above the loud roar of the aircraft’s blades. “Last year, our fleet of black helicopters was grounded because we used up our fuel-budget flying a bunch of illegal immigrants and Syrian refugees through the southern border.”

“I will confer with my friends at the Deep State about trying this again next year. I’m sure our plan will actually work then.”

The black helicopter then rose into the air and camouflaged itself against the sky, turning nearly invisible before flying toward the Continuity-of-Government base at Raven Rock.

MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior Sailing Race, sources confirmed today.

“If we’re going to start together then we’re going to end together,” said Marcus Distelrath, a former U.S. Marine who lost both his arms in an IED blast, before starting the race.

“Um…yeah, about that,” said Petty Officer Stacy Hearn, a Boatswain’s Mate at Station Monterey. “We’re really supportive but this seems a bit dangerous and excessive. I mean, there’s one guy who’s using just his teeth to handle the lines.”

She added: “I’m pretty sure he’s just a life jacket with a head.”

Distelrath is part of the veteran non-profit organization, Sailing For Freedom, which provides veterans with sailing lessons as they begin their transition from military to civilian life.

“I’ve always wanted to do a sailing race, but I was always uneasy and terrified to do it on my own,” said Matthew Estes, who has been learning how to sail for the past six months despite having lost his legs and his right eye in a fire fight in the Middle East. “But Marcus has really given me the bravery that I can do whatever I want despite my disability.”

“Look, we’re not going to cancel the event,” said Hearn with her hands positioned in a defensive manner. “But let’s just say we’re going to be like a parent watching their toddler tightrope walk for the first time.”

Bob Cohen, who’s also a disabled U.S. Marine, has post-traumatic stress disorder and suffers from epileptic seizures.

“My brain just kind of lights off like a fireworks factory catching fire, but I’m still physically fit, and there are veterans that are perfectly capable of doing a race like this. Just because my mind is like a spastic Tasmanian devil, I would like to help these vets achieve something and not have their injury define them,” Cohen adds.

Some of the veterans will have their service animals with them in case they suffer from an episode that impacts their ability to sail.

“Oh, Christ,” added Hearn.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – New Space Force recruits are coming into the service less disciplined and physically weaker this month than the Space Force recruits from last month, sources confirmed today.

“Back when I joined Space Force on June 18th, the recruiting was selective and the training was tough as nails.  When we made it to our first unit, we were ready to serve. Now that it’s July, it seems like any whiney college dropout walks into My Space Corps and we have to train them once they get to the Force. I don’t understand this generation,” a senior space force non-commissioned astronaut said on condition of anonymity.

Navy Capt. Bill Ryker, spokesman for the Department of Defense, indicated that a panel was convening to investigate if Space Cadets were getting the right kind of training at Space Camp and indicated that zero-G physical fitness training and rocket-pack road marches would be a renewed priority.

“In recruiting for Space Force, we are recruiting a representation of the American public,” said Ryker. “As American society has changed over the past week, so have the new space cadets we can recruit. Space Force must evolve.”

“I talked to a new recruit who got to my unit, and he said that they got Dippin’ Dots at Space Camp,” the astronaut said. “Are you fucking kidding me? Dippin’ Dots? I don’t care if it’s the ice cream of the future.”

He added: “Back when I joined Space Force, we got Tang and MREs, and if our tummies rumbled, there was real fear that an alien would explode from our abdomen and start attacking the whole chow hall. I never saw an alien explode out of someone’s stomach, but it definitely happened to my buddy from Space Camp when he got to his first outpost. He told me about it at the cantina.”

Grissom Shepherd, a new recruit, told all his buddies from high school that Space Camp was the hardest experience of his life, and the complaints about it are blown out of proportion.

“I never saw a stress card, and I heard that this Drill Physicist from 2nd Platoon punched this Space Cadet in the stomach for making Star Wars references. Space Camp was hard as shit,” Shepherd said.

“Except,” he added, “I heard that 3rd Platoon — the guys in the new shuttle bay that came in just before we graduated — had it way easier. They got weekend passes and only had to get 18/30 on their laser qualifications.  Seriously, fuck those guys.”

Taco McGibblets contributed to this story.

FT. HOOD, Texas — A local bottle rocket created quite a stir this weekend after putting up a lawn sign saying “Explosive Pyrotechnic — Please Refrain From Being Douchey Veterans” ahead of the Independence Day holiday.

Bucking Bronco, a Texas native with 8 years of pyrotechnic experience, put up the controversial sign late Sunday afternoon. Some members of the community immediately rallied to the bottle rocket’s call, vowing to limit the douche-baggery of their veterans to only reservists or Coast Guardsmen, and to confine them to their backyard.

But others saw the sign as controversial.

“I respect Bronco’s service to our country’s celebratory nighttime illumination, and sympathize with its continued suffering of post-ignition stress disorder,” said neighbor John Wokesmith. “But it’s the very celebration it provides that make me want to show off my alcoholic, dickhead of a cousin who never shuts up about being in the Rangers – despite him being admin. July 4th is the one time of year I can bring him around my friends and won’t have the cops called on us for him drunkenly blocking traffic or filling the streets with his obnoxious vape smoke.”

Other neighbors say it’s all just part of a pattern of attention-seeking behavior to compensate for Bronco’s perception of low self-worth. “If you live near a military base – hearing military jargon and moto phrases are a part of everyday life. If Bronco doesn’t like it, he should move.”

But Bucking Bronco isn’t the only one with complaints. Some residents have apparently filed grievances to the local Home Owners Association about its behavior, and even started a petition to get it kicked out of the neighborhood.

“It’s loud, it’s obnoxious, and it takes just a little spark to set it off,” said Miguel Angueiro. “One time Bucking, reeking of black powder, wandered over to my house, wearing a ‘Thank Me For My Combustion’ wrapper, and started bragging to my 16-year-old-daughter about having a ‘big fuse.’ It then had the nerve to call me a ‘sparkler-cuck’ when I threatened to call the cops if it didn’t get off my property. I don’t care what its history is, I don’t want it, or any of its buddies, anywhere near my kids ever again.”

At press time, Bucking Bronco still had its sign up and the local Veterans Parade remained scheduled for the afternoon of the 4th.

OKINAWA, Japan — In the wake of the much heralded success of the new pizza MRE, the Department of Defense has decided to produce a fresh-from-the-sea sushi meal with a shelf-life of three years.

The sushi meal will include a California roll packed with Almost Real Crab, rice crackers, sour plums, and tofu cookies. The condiment pouch will include soy sauce, imitation wasabi and green tea powder.

“We thought this move would really highlight the talents of our Asian and Pacific Islander service members,” said Pentagon spokesman John Sellers, while wearing a ninja costume and Hawaiian shirt. “The troops are gonna love it!”

Distribution will begin at bases in the Asia-Pacific theater for service members who want to enjoy the local cuisine while out in the field. But reactions to the announcement were mixed.

“Dude, I am stationed in Korea. They HATE Japanese stuff here, and the cartons have pics of Mt. Fuji and the Japanese flag on them. The MREs will never even make it through customs,” said Army Sgt. Ron West.

“Wow, I can’t wait to spend the night in the sweltering jungles of Okinawa and eat fish that has been sitting in a hot shipping container for a month,” said Marine Gunnery Sgt. Christine Worthington. “Maybe I can wash it down with a lukewarm cup of reconstituted milk tea.”

At press time, production was held up by a lingering odor problem with the packaging but that is expected to be resolved with the arrival of a pallet of miniature Febreeze cans.

Duffel Blog writer W.T. Door contributed to this article.

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Tricare will extend benefits to that one girl named Kyle, Kelly, or maybe it was Carly from Tinder that you hooked up with two years ago, sources confirmed today.

According to recent surveys, the chief complaint about the military’s health care system has been a “lack of care.” Which is why officials believe that by allowing Carla, Kara, or whatever her name was to receive health coverage, Tricare will be greatly improved.

“There’s two ways to address ‘lack of care,’” said Jay Farmer, a Tricare spokesman. “You can either increase the quality, or increase the quantity. Since the former would require inquiries, studies, listening to patients and their needs, and a lot of budget increases — which we’re not prepared to do — increasing quantity is much easier.”

Still, critics say that extending benefits meant to care for service members and their families to Tinder and OKCupid hookups, like Kim, wait, no, it was Kate, will make it even more difficult to schedule appointments, particularly with specialists.

But Farmer, the Tricare spokesman, vehemently disagrees.

“Adding Crystal to the system will not impact families,” said Farmer. “The fact is all appointments with specialists like an OB/GYN are booked for months out, so Kristen couldn’t receive one if she tried. She won’t receive special treatment. Instead, she’ll be misdiagnosed by her primary care provider and given prescriptions she’s allergic to at the pharmacy just like everyone else.”

When reached for comment, Kelsey told reporters, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, my name is Beth.”