Trump orders Pershing’s corpse to conduct another punitive invasion of Mexico

General Pershing two years before his first taste of delicious, delicious huitlacoche.

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has ordered the corpse of Army Gen. John J. Pershing to invade Mexico again and defeat “bad hombres,” according to a new National Security Decision Directive obtained by Duffel Blog.

Gen. Pershing first led an Army expedition into Mexico in 1916. He died in 1948 on god-fearing American soil.

Pershing’s remains were ordered to go to Mexico and “hang ‘em, hang ‘em high,” by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Joseph Dunford. Dunford hand-delivered the directive to Pershing’s Arlington grave.

The order states that all bad Mexicans encountered are to be exterminated “like cucaraches in that song or whatever it means in Spanish.”

The corpse of Gen. Pershing was unavailable for comment, owing to his disinterred remains being flown to Fort Bliss, Texas, to prepare for the invasion that Americans have been praying for since Democrats lost the White House.

Trump spokesman Jason Miller said that Pershing’s entirely-decomposed body would be involved in heavy combat against “the scourge of people who are known as bad boys.” And though dead for 68 years, Pershing is already being touted as perhaps the next Secretary of the Army.

“Once General Pershing has pacified the bad hombres, we’ll all enjoy tamales in peace again,” Trump told reporters. “I eat them every day, they’re delicious. From that day on, tamales will be great again.”

During a press conference on the upcoming invasion — named Operation Masa — Miller also noted that the river dividing the two countries is confusingly known by two terms — Grande and Bravo. He said that the president will clear that up by renaming it the Rio Maga.


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