THE PENTAGON — The U.S. Army has announced initial testing of biodegradable ammunition that would allow plants and trees to grow in the areas soldiers end up decimating.
“We owe it to the world to be good custodians of the environment while we destroy enemy buildings and the infrastructure they use,” said Gen. Mark Milley, Army chief of staff, who was seen canoodling a ‘smoking hot vegan’ at a social event the evening before the announcement.
Foreign leaders rejoiced at the Army’s decision to wage future wars in an environmentally-conscious manner.
“The United States barreled into our country in 2003, waging an eight-year long campaign of littering the countryside with shell casings and ammunition fragments,” said Iraqi President Fuam Masum. “They caused untold damage to Iraq’s ecosystems, and planted nary a tree during their lengthy occupation.”
“And people wonder why their decision to invade our country was so unpopular,” he added. “Finally they have seen the light.”
Some of the ammunition has already been distributed to Syrian Rebel Army forces for testing on the battlefield.
“I believe this particular organic ammunition we’ve been using is loaded with citrus seeds,” said Mohammad Akbar, a general with the Free Syrian Army. “I’m hopeful that our newest mass grave filled with hundreds of unidentified bodies will eventually grow into a beautiful grapefruit orchard.”
Not only have foreign leaders expressed satisfaction at the Army’s request, but farmers within the United States agriculture industry have embraced the technological development and requested large shipments of seeded ammunition.
“This ammunition makes our job much easier,” said Billy Henderson, an Iowa corn farmer. “With this ammo, I can seed an entire field while perched upon that yonder platform.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go plant the spring crops,” he added, as he proceeded to light up a nearby field with a .50 caliber machine-gun.
While the Army’s request for biodegradable ammunition has been widely praised, anti-war environmentalist groups greeted the proposal with a mix of bewilderment and cognitive dissonance.
“Our organization has traditionally been vehemently anti-war,” said Jennifer Morgan, executive director for Greenpeace, “yet now we are finding ourselves strangely drawn to a desire for the United States Army to invade China.”
“We’ve had at least a dozen employees hospitalized in the last week following nervous breakdowns,” added Morgan.
The Army anticipates full-scale armament with seeded biodegradable ammunition to be complete by May or June, just in time for President Donald Trump’s invasion of either Lebanon or the Gaza Strip.
“The world can now rest assured that wherever the U.S. Army leaves behind a trail of destruction, that trail will now be lined with pretty flowers,” said Milley.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.