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Trump designates DragonForce Greatest Hits album as new National Security Strategy


WASHINGTON — After months of deliberation, President Donald Trump has released his update to the National Security Strategy in the form of power metal band DragonForce’s Greatest Hits album.

A new National Security Strategy is traditionally produced by each administration, which lays out plans to address existing and new national security challenges. Trump’s strategy promises to lead Americans “through fire and flames” to “Operation Ground and Pound” until U.S. soldiers are rightfully crowned the “heroes of our time.”

The strategy also warns North Korea against future missile tests.

“For now you have many reasons to live, but if you continue we will cry thunder and release black fire through the valley of the wasteland,” the document said. “Fear the revolution death squad.”

The president was in high spirits at a press conference where he announced the updated strategy.

“Isn’t it the greatest, folks?” he asked. “The strategy’s unbelievable, like you’ve never seen. Mad Dog…yes, the great Mad Dog will love it. You know, they named the album Killer Elite, and that’s what we want to do. Right folks? Kill the elite. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, we’re just having a good time here.”

At press time, White House officials privately expressed doubts over the new strategy, since DragonForce is a British band. They added that strategic guidance may instead come from Toby Keith or Kid Rock.

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