Army tells Marine Corps Mattis isn’t real

mattis speaking
U.S. Secretary of Defense "James Mattis" speaks with a group of service members during his visit to Train Advise Assist Command East September 27, 2017. Mattis, along with NATO Secretary Jens Stoltenberg, U.S. Ambassador to NATO, Kay Hutchinson, and Resolute Support Commander General John Nicholson received an operations and intelligence brief and engaged with service members during the visit. (Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Randall Pike)
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WASHINGTON — In a heartbreaking turn of events, the Marine Corps burst into tears yesterday when Army broke the news that Gen. James Mattis is just a story created to inspire the troops, sources confirmed today.

“Look, I know you’ve believed in ‘ole Chaos Mattis for years, but you’re old enough to know better — Mattis isn’t real,” Army said with a smirk.

Upon hearing the news, the Corps’ eyes got really wide, and its mouth slowly dropped open.

Army continued the attack on the Corps’ beloved bringer of motivation, saying, “The SecDef is just some random guy in a Mattis tie trained to say terrifying things like ‘sometimes you just need to punch a terrorist in the throat’ and ‘I will kill you with my eyes closed.’”

Navy added, “There never really was a Mattis. He was just a narrative made up by [former Commandant] Gen. Krulak to inspire you to do your best and be nice to Air Force.”

After Army remarked that a retired Coast Guard officer had been writing the Mattis quotes for the last 15 years, the Marine Corps shouted “I hate you!” and ran to its room and cried its eyes out.

When reached for comment later in the day, the newly disillusioned Corps told reporters, “I just always thought he was real. I guess maybe I knew all along though. He couldn’t be at CentCom and the Pentagon and my PME school graduation all at the same time.”

At press time, Army was seen hanging around at Toys for Tots events, telling children Santa isn’t real either.

Duffel Blog writers Addison Blue and Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this article.


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