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Pentagon warns female service members not to wear dinosaur hand puppets while being sexually assaulted

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THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is warning female service members that they could face harsh punishment if they are caught wearing dinosaur hand puppets while being sexually assaulted by male colleagues, sources confirmed today.

Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White told reporters in a press briefing Wednesday that women in uniform are to be held “to a higher standard” of behavior, meaning that they should not disgrace the dignity of their uniforms at any time male troops may be cat-calling them, tapping their ass, or retaliating against them should they report anything, ever.

White said female service members would still be allowed to wear dinosaur hand puppets while being harassed or assaulted off-duty. However, they are still required to tell assailants that their views do not represent the official position of the Department of Defense, in keeping with longstanding Pentagon policy.

The order from the Pentagon’s top brass comes just one day after a scandal erupted in the Tennessee Air National Guard due to a public affairs-made video of a reenlistment ceremony that was shared widely. In the video, an unidentified Air Force colonel administers the oath as Master Sgt. Robin Brown wears a dinosaur hand puppet and repeats it back, prompting sharp criticism from thousands of service members upset over such an act placing a dark cloud over the nation’s military far worse than war crimes, civilian casualties, or a 72% jump in sexual assaults over the past five years.

“This woman has absolutely no honor and has zero place in the military,” said Maj. Gen. Terry Haston, Tennessee Guard adjutant general, who sets the example for his soldiers by maintaining a regulation double-chin and beer belly.

All involved in the making of the video, including the cameraman, were immediately punished for not taking their oath seriously, which requires military members to obey military regulations against rape, sexual assault, aggravated sexual contact, abusive sexual contact, non-consensual sodomy, and making lighthearted videos for your children.

Still, some others have said the punishments were unduly harsh considering this was the first time in history a DoD public affairs-made product ever went viral.

Blondesoverbaghdad contributed reporting.

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