Pentagon warns female service members not to…

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is warning female service members that they could face harsh punishment if they are caught wearing dinosaur hand puppets while being sexually assaulted by male colleagues, sources confirmed today. Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White told reporters in a press briefing Wednesday that women in uniform are to be held "to a higher standard" of behavior, meaning that they should not disgrace the dignity of their uniforms at any time male troops may be cat-calling them, tapping their ass, or retaliating against them should they report anything, ever.

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