THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is warning female service members that they could face harsh punishment if they are caught wearing dinosaur hand puppets while being sexually assaulted by male colleagues, sources confirmed today.

Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White told reporters in a press briefing Wednesday that women in uniform are to be held "to a higher standard" of behavior, meaning that they should not disgrace the dignity of their uniforms at any time male troops may be cat-calling them, tapping their ass, or retaliating against them should they report anything, ever.

White said female service members would still be allowed to wear dinosaur hand puppets while being harassed or assaulted off-duty. However, they are still required to tell assailants that their views do not represent the official position of the Department of Defense, in keeping with longstanding Pentagon policy.