PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.
“She’s pretty hammered,” said Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying things like ‘HEY! It’s me yer best fuckin’ friend. I’m shitfaced from the Caribbean and I need a place to pass out and take a fackin’ shit’.”
Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads began making preparations on the off change Florence is what they call a Category 4 Shitstorm. This means she will likely arrive blackout drunk, begin eating everything out of the refrigerator, puke in the sink, start playing trap music at full volume, start a fight with the lamp, and have sustained winds of up to 140 mph with a 24 ft storm surge.
The last reported contact from Florence was a drunk text with a blurry selfie and the message, “letz go 2 olive garden im fukin #REKT”.
The past drunk hurricanes of 2017 were devastating to the Coast Guard, costing up to $900 million dollars of all-hands-on-deck rescue and recovery operations. Hurricane Florence’s drunken arrival could add to that cost and cause extreme damage due to her erratic behavior and tendency to get really dramatic about small shit for no apparent reason.
The Coast Guard plans to prepare for the eventual arrival of Florence by supplying Extra-Strength Advil, a giant bottle of water, an extra set of blankets, and a Home Depot-sized puke bucket because nobody wants a repeat of last time.
At press time, Coast Guardsmen confidently assumed that Florence’s response in the aftermath would likely be, “What happened last night? lol was I that drunk?”