THE PENTAGON — Some shitbag colonel working at the Pentagon forgot to make coffee and vacuum the floor before leaving work yesterday, sources have confirmed.
Marking yet another fuck-up since he was assigned to the secretive Directorate for Iran, military intelligence officer Col. Dale Milligan blew off the shift supervisor’s request to refill the office’s caffeine supply and delegate end-of-day work details again.
“Dale, I need your section to take care of housecleaning before the next shift takes over,” Brig. Gen. Harold Jansen was overheard telling his subordinate. “Also, if you could take care of the vacuuming, that’d be great. Don’t forget like you did with the coffee yesterday and this morning.”
“I’ll take care of it, sir,” Milligan told his shift lead.
He was promptly distracted by a Buzzfeed article about one of Trump’s recent tweets, in the process forgetting to email the various field-grade officers and senior NCOs their assigned chores. As a result, the trash was not taken out, the hard-tile and carpeted floors remained uncleaned, and the dishes in the kitchen were left unwashed, among other discrepancies. This, in addition to him reusing old coffee grounds and forgetting to pick up a box of donuts last week, was the last straw for his superiors.
Per several sources, Milligan arrived at work this morning to find a Letter of Counseling waiting for him.
At press time, Milligan’s enlisted aide, Master Sgt. Tony Mendez, was seen police-calling the Pentagon courtyard as punishment for his commander’s malfeasance.