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Coast Guard asks to crash on Navy’s couch ‘just for a little while’

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NORFOLK – The Coast Guard is reportedly crashing on the U.S. Navy’s couch while this month’s budget negotiations break down in Congress, as a continuing resolution barely staves off another 35-day-long government shutdown, sources confirm.

The House of Representatives has passed a short-term measure to continue funding the government, but since another possible government shutdown could last until the end of the year, the Coast Guard wisely brought a toothbrush, sleeping bag, change of clothes, and a $20 NEX gift card to the Navy’s place.

During the last federal government shutdown—the longest in U.S. history—the Coast Guard called all its friends looking for a place to crash. Admiral Karl L. Schultz said the service even attempted to call its old friend the Department of Transportation to just stay the night, but got a “voicemail full” message and no return call.

“The plan is to stay only for a few days and do a few chores to make up for the inconvenience,” Schultz said. “We have some Top Ramen for ourselves but we might need to borrow a towel and a pillow since it looks like the GSA took those from us the other day.“

The Navy said it is prepared to make things comfortable for the Coasties, including offering an iPhone charger, wifi access, a bar of used Irish Spring, and shower shoes. During the last shutdown, the Coast Guard accepted generous donations from many nonprofit associations, but this time they would prefer to hold on to their pride and just pretend everything is just fine.

“We plan to mind our own business and not get jealous of all the DOD money the Navy obviously has,” Schultz said. “I mean, this couch is most definitely from West Elm and these blankets feel so soft. I’d be lying if I said we we’re not envious of their internet speed, too.”

The Navy said the Coast Guard is welcome to crash at it place as long as its willing to messcook and take part in the weekly field day.

“I mean, I feel for them, but you gotta hold up your end of the deal here okay? You’re getting back paid eventually, so don’t make yourself too comfortable,” said the Navy.

“We’re extremely thankful for a warm place to stay and the occasional beer they let us have while we wait for Washington to stop using us as a bargaining chip in their game of political CandyLand,” said Schultz. “It’s also nice to not have to stay on one of our older boats, those things are like floating jails.”

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