THE PENTAGRAM — Today Secretary of Defense Mark T. Esper told President Trump that critical instructions to military units worldwide were delayed because a dog ate his Orders Book.
“I’m sorry,” Esper reportedly told the president, “but because of that dog, we no longer have your orders to bomb the new Chinese island bases in the South China Sea, or to send Title 10 troops to clean out Portland, or to ‘Make Fort Hood Great Again,’” as Trump reportedly demanded.
The Secretary of Defense’s Orders Book (SDOB) — little known outside Joint Staff circles — is part of the military’s adaptive planning and execution enterprise where force sourcing and execution are directed. In other words, it’s a big deal and not something a dog should eat.
But, according to veteran dogs and colonels interviewed at the Pentagon animal shelter, it also causes indigestion that can lead to deadly mission bloat. It can also make Joint planners leap out of high windows in every time zone around the world, the very minute it’s published.
Esper denied that he was using an elementary school-level “dog ate my homework” excuse.
“Totally different thing,” he said as he dropped dog treats and refilled a water bowl outside his office door.
But now, the book-eating dog, Chesty XV — the Marine Corps mascot — has come forward and admitted that he ate the SDOB. He’s being hailed as an American hero for both improving the military’s morale as well as pooping out the president’s instructions on a well-manicured lawn at 8th and I in Washington, D.C.
“It tasted like crap,” Chesty XV reportedly told the Marine Corps League. “And not the crap I like to eat, like cat poop or boots’ asses. I improvised, adapted and overcame, like Marines always do. But then I pooped Jointness for a week — and we Marines hate Jointness. Can’t wait to get back to those boot meals.”
“What do you want me to do?” an exasperated Esper asked reporters. “Make decisions without my book?”