SHAW AFB, S.C. — Hey, yo Colonel, I’m real happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish your safety brief, but I wanted to say some things before you do. First off, the sergeant major gives the best safety briefs of all time.
Soldiers, good morning, look at the valedictorian, scared of the future as I hop in my DeLorean. Wait, I’m sorry, sometimes I just get lost in my amazing art from the past. Anyways, first thing first, don’t drink and drive. I know you want to get out there and go H.A.M, hard as a mother, damn, I did it again. Back to the point, drinking and driving is the worst personal decision you can make, other than voluntarily watching Keeping up with the Kardashians, so don’t do it. Call a cab.
Next, y’all need to practice safe sex for sure. I don’t know if you guys and gals have learned yet, but not everyone is loyal and honest. Now, I’m not saying she’s a Gold Digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke—shit, sorry. All I’m saying is, if you don’t wrap it up, it could be 18 years, 18 years, and on their eighteenth birthday you might find out it wasn’t yours, so be smart.
Say no to drugs! I know you’re standing there thinking “excuse me, is you sayin’ something? Uh uh, you can’t tell me nothin’, because you can live through anything if Magic made it,” but that’s not true. Doing drugs might feel good for a moment, but will only screw up the rest of your life. Trust me, haven’t you heard some of my interviews lately? If I could go back and marry Kate Upton I would, but instead I’ve basically turned into the Antonio Brown of the music industry.
Now hear ye, hear ye, want to see thee more clearly, don’t beat your spouse. It don’t matter if you’re a man or woman, domestic violence isn’t the answer. Especially if your significant other could end up whooping your ass in an elevator, Solange Knowles style. But don’t you go laughin’ at that joke, cause ain’t nobody fuckin’ with my clique, clique, clique, clique, clique, ain’t nobody fresher than m-—
Damn I did it again, I’m sorry everyone. Alright, let’s close this thing up.
Well if this safety brief takes away from my spins, which’ll probably take away from my ends, then I hope it takes away from my sins and bring the day that I dream about, next time I’m at your brief, everybody screamin’ out JE-SUS WALKS!