KABUL — Afghanistan is telling friends that it has decided to break up with long-time boyfriend Freedom.
“We’ve endured enough,” sources say the burka-clad beauty told gal-pals.
Neighbors say the southwest Asian nation has been quite vocal about its feelings. One friendly country, who would only give its first name as “Tajik,” claims the mountainous nation recently went off on its long-term relationship.
“Ok, fine,” Tajik quoted Afghanistan as saying. “Girls in schools was good — not great, because the laundry really started piling up, but good. And fast food is amazing. I was really sick of goat, to be honest. But the rest? No more.
“All those Americans inside me, asking me to thank them for their ‘service.’ Awful.”
According to friends in the know, the ill-fated relationship began as a love triangle among Freedom, Afghanistan, and Freedom’s ex-beau Osama bin Laden. Against all odds, Freedom and Afghanistan established something that looked like it could last.
“Freedom bought me airplanes, and I even voted,” Afghanistan said. “But now I think they only wanted my poppies. And what is up with the eagle feathers and flag underwear?”
“Talk about the walk of shame,” the friend said. “But, hey, you freedom somebody that hard, you can’t expect them not to change, go to dark places.”
Other friends say they knew trouble was brewing when “Hindu Kush” changed its Facebook relationship status with Freedom to “It’s complicated.”
“I thought Freedom was going to give me everything I want, but it turns out it mostly just blows stuff up,” Afghanistan tweeted. “I took my burqa off and what did I get? It’s been 16 years. It’s time.”
Long time bestie Iran says it always knew Freedom was trouble. “Freedom makes a lot of promises, but fornicators always wind up in hell.”
A spokesman for Freedom declined comment, though reporters overheard Freedom saying, “She’ll be back. She loves it when I surge.”