After shark attack, Coast Guard asks Congress for a bigger boat

WASHINGTON DC — A Coast Guard spokesperson has admitted that after the USCGC Kimball was forced to fire on a shark during the crew’s swim call, the service has told Congress: “We're gonna need a bigger boat.”

“We figured that after the video went viral, it was time to take up an opportunity to beg for some of that Space Force money everyone’s talking about,” said Coast Guard spokesperson Lt. (j.g.) Manny Horvath.

The recent video displays the Coast Guard’s quick thinking, basically loading up a .50-caliber machine gun and going full Rambo while fellow Coasties frantically swim toward the cutter’s small boat.

“I was on shark watch, and once I saw that thing, I channeled my inner Chief Brody and yelled ‘SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH!’ and just emptied a belt in that thing's general direction,” said Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Rory Smerguson, a crew member of the Kimball.

The Coast Guard hopes that the video will shed some light on what they’re capable of when faced with a threatening great power competitor like an 8-foot shark.

Last March, Adm. Karl Schultz, the Commandant of the Coast Guard, to Congress the Polar Security Cutters were crucial to the service’s shark fighting operations.

“Sure we aren’t a big fancy wall or a bunch of unmarked soldiers roaming the streets of Portland, but remember when we jumped on that submarine and yelled at those drug dealers?” said Schultz.

The Coast Guard is asking for $895 million to fund the new boat, ongoing international anti-shark operations, and maybe replace one of those cutters that has been around since the Vietnam War.

“We also need a bit more budget for a new floating unicorns, after the failed search and rescue operation, where Sparkle was sadly lost at sea,” said Smerguson as he stared off into the horizon, grief stricken.

“We were hoping that this shark might be carrying millions of dollars of cocaine like when we jumped on that submarine, remember that video you guys? Wasn’t that awesome? Horvath asked.

“Please pay attention to us.”

Overall, the Coast Guard’s proposed $12.3 billion shark-fighting budget represents 16 percent of the $49.7 billion FY 2021 Homeland Security budget request released by Chad Wolf, the acting secretary of Homeland Security.

“We hope the boat comes before we need to hire Jason Statham to fend off another Megalodon,” said Horvath, before taking a shot of moonshine and exclaiming, “Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women.”